 
Directed by Michael Kazlo II
Runtime: 84 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Company: Archangel Productions
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Thank the b-movie gods for friendship and patience, for without these I would have never made it through Michael Kazlo II’s Bloodlust.
Maria Hunter’s parents were murdered by a vampire. After being adopted by the church, the same vampire kills her brother. Now, Maria Hunter doesn’t like vampires very much. So she picks up an UZI, reads the manual and gets to business.
Sounds simple enough, right? If only it were. Bloodlust wants to be far more expansive and dramatic than necessary for a good b-movie time. Characters are continually thrown into the mix and uninteresting dialog segments drag on in sleep-inducing excess. None of the personalities are interesting enough to maintain viewer interest. Along with the poor acting and sluggish pacing, Continue »
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Director: Corbin Timbrook
Runtime: 80 mins (minus twenty for the uninspired opening and ending credits, yaaaaawn)
Language: English
Color: Color
Aspect Ratio: 4×3 (menu-16×9, go figure)
Certification: R
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A dvd menu of the cheapest quality imaginable. A poorly photoshoped image of a killer with dreadlocks. The play button is pressed. Fade to black… “But his mother said to him, ‘Your curse be on me, my son, only obey my voice and go, get them for me.’ - Genesis 27:13″ …needless to say, I was already in stitches. After more than 5 and a half minutes of credits, ToB pushes on to become an up & down thriller/slasher that is about as unique and original as a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette.
Let’s get into the plot of Tower of Blood. The story involves a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette… Continue »
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Director: Yossi Wein
Runtime: 94 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: 5.1 Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:R (but don’t ask me why)
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Octopus 2 is a rather misleading monster-shlock. After reviewing the B-lariously awesome Octopus I confidently picked Octopus 2 out of the lineup of hack-jobs and Aliens / Predator / Abyss / Terminator amalgamations. However, much like the opening 20 minutes of the original Octopus, I found myself watching instead of pointing and laughing.
The major difference between the two movies is that this lack of giggles and guffaws never came to an end with ‘pus 2. Even though the story is much simpler in ‘pus 2, where we follow Nick, a member of New York’s scuba police squad, as he tries to make sense of a mysterious drowning / murder, this movie throws so much Continue »
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Director: Fred Tepper
Runtime: 88 minutes
Country: USA
Color: Color
Studio: Sony
Certification: R (but only because they say the word “F%$*” about 47 times for absolutely no reason, besides exciting 13 year-olds?)
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever buy this on amazon.com!
It’s hard to begin this review. Hell, it’s hard to begin, continue, and end this review. The easiest part of the entire process will be giving Sasquatch Hunters a rating.
Story: Extremely large group of people go into the woods looking for “something”. “Something” eats a lot of them.
Even the worst of the worst B-monster flicks, including the ones churned out very quickly and very cheaply by more modern techniques, have at LEAST 2 storylines going on. This movie has just the one. It attempts a second by creating intrigue Continue »
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Directed By: John R. Hand
Writer: John R. Hand
Runtime: USA:77 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Aspect Ratio: 1.33
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Company: JRH Films
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Some movies make us laugh, some make us cry, and some simmer our brains in a skillet full of savory sensation. Frankensteins Bloody Nightmare achieves the latter, and it was one imaginative dining experience.
At this point in my reviews I typically like to give my own little rundown of the movie at hand. Discuss premise, plot, characters, actors and so on. With Frankensteins Bloody Nightmare I’m going to have to skip this part completely, because I honestly have no idea what is happening.
What I will write about instead is the overall feeling that FBN captures Continue »
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 Director: Marius Penczner
Runtime: 105 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: UK: 12
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” Continue »
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