Director: Jack Perez
Written by: also Jack Perez
Runtime: 90 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Production Company: The Asylum

Watch it now on Netflix Streaming!

Another exploitation film from The Asylum, the studio that has brought us dozens of pop-culture rip-offs including Transmorphers (breview coming soon), The Terminators, and The Day Earth Stopped, MS vs GO is a fairly worthy entry into the giant-monster flick genre. Unfortunately, the movie as a whole obviously can’t cash the checks written by the box art.

Clearly being fans of classic Godzilla-era films, the filmmakers whip together a traditional small-cast narrative that introduces a colossal, human-caused menace that chews on well-known landmarks. The plot is three statements long –> Monsters awaken after being released from ice by illegal military activity, Monsters terrorize planet for a while and put characters at risk, Monsters fight each other towards the movies end <– Naturally, the writers want to draw you into the lives of the characters so that you’ll feel something for them when they’re inevitably placed in Mega-harms way. (Let’s face it, folks, they also need to waste time between on-screen monster activity) Unfortunately, they do a poor job of getting us to like the scientists, and they are unsuccessful in creating the illusion that our phony people who stand around in phony locations spouting off phony words are in any sort of actual Ultra-Giant peril.

Although having a seemly decent effects budget and/or team, where all movies of this genre predictably skimp these days is in the sets, storytelling, and of course, the acting talent. So, while the animation and visual effects aren’t exactly up to hollywood standards, they are at least fun to look at and don’t detract from what little story there is.

While, sadly, there may not be much to laugh at in the effects dept, our main characters, Emma and Seiji, played by singer-songwriter Debbie Gibson and Vic Chao respectively, are incredibly lame to behold. There’s tons of laughter to be had when you combine bad dialogue with bad performers. It’s just the best. However, when you combine bad dialogue with decent actors, Sean Lawlor as Professor Lamar in this case, you mostly come across disappointed that A) you aren’t watching them in a much better movie, and B) they aren’t making you laugh because of how embarrassingly stiff and uncomfortable they look when they blabber out lines like “Christ, he’s coming faster than a jet!”.

Thank the maker that Lorenzo Lamas decides to drop in part-way through the film and bring along his unbearably plastic delivery. He is easily the most unbearably entertaining thing about the film aside from the whole reason to see it, which, of course, is shown in the TRAILER. There are two reasons why The Asylum is in business. Both the outlandish box art and the trailers force you to think to yourself, “There has just got to be loads of crazy-hilarious crap like this in the film, right?”. Sorry, but there isn’t. And frankly, you should know better. If I could somehow use HTML to slap you across the face right now, I would.

Anyway, once they reveal that moment in the trailer (you know what I’m talking about), there is no reason to rent, stream, or (god forbid) buy this movie, aside from seeing Lorenzo look like a plate of Jell-o pudding while he tries to pull off a commanding military presence. During one of the half-dozen moments when the more overtly arrogant military characters prematurely cry out that they’ve killed one of the creatures, Lorenzo exclaims “Whoo! Who wants shark-skin boots?!”. Just a great moment in b-moviedom.

I’ll end this breview with a perfect illustration of how quickly these productions are tossed together. Our main love interest, Seiji, contacts Debbie Gibson over iChat or something and sends a video update from his Ultra Sub of how poorly the Mega Giant Octopus attack is going on the other side of the planet. He’s buzzing around in one of those super advanced subs that is filled with completely non-descript, flashing buttons and a chair that sits in front of a single joystick. – Yes, we’re supposed to believe that the military controls the depth, speed, and even weapons firing of entire submarines with the same apparatus that children use to keep Pac-Man’s belly full of power pellets – Within about 3 minutes of seeing his last message, Deborah has a dream that Seiji is speaking to her from the same submersed location via Skype or whatever. Hilariously, the effects guys on MS vs GO (or more likely their superiors) forgot to replace the Mega Green Screen in the background with an image befitting a submarine backdrop, leading to audience confusion, and then to audience laughter.

Check out the awesome goofup, it should give you an idea of the overall quality of MS vs GO: Before & After

Watch the Trailer
Watch the damn Trailer
&… seriously just watch the Trailer

Buy it never on amazon.com!

A group of “Olympic” skiers are taken to a remote ski lodge by their coach in the hopes that being cut off from a wireless signal, those internets, and friends and family back home will force them to keep their minds on the slopes. However, none of them could guess that there is a military base nearby performing experiments on giant spiders, and that those spiders are now running amuck across the frozen landscape. Oh yeah, you smell that? We got ourselves a B movie!

Ice Spiders starts off with an ample amount of promise. The title alone is spectacular, and although “giant spiders” has been done, the setting and ideas are fairly unique. Also, when we’re introduced to our first sequence involving Rocky and Bob, two overeager hunters who run into a german shepherd-sized, ash-gray spider that makes quick work off them, I should have been cheering. But, much like the rest of the film, the entire opening sequence is just not satisfying.

First off, Rocky and Bob aren’t ignorant or arrogant enough to make their deaths gratifying. The spider itself shuffles along the ground at a menacing .003 mph, allowing it’s victims plenty of time to escape. So, much like classic zombie/slasher films, the survival of the characters mostly hinges on how nimble they are. Luckily for this ice spider, the hunters have forgotten how to walk. Rocky and Bob’s death scenes are also utterly without gore. Shocking, exciting, intriguing, and energizing, these are the elements that go into the makings of a great opening sequence which serves the purpose of holding the audience over while we proceed to muddle through introduction and exposition. We get none of that here. (However, I’m sure that in the 40s people would had to have been air-lifted out of the theater. But today? Not so much.)

Other than the decent composition of the story/plot elements, there really aren’t many complements to throw in Ice Spiders direction. I get the feeling that if you’re into skiing, you’ll find it patronizing as the characters are constantly tossing out lines that include “shred”, “carve”, or “powder”. Cutting to out-of-place stock footage of ski races doesn’t exactly make the film feel legit. The gore is extremely disgusting, except that you only see a collective 20 seconds worth because it’s a made-for-TV. On top of all of it, the spiders just aren’t dynamic. Compared to 8-Legged Freaks, these spiders appear to be geriatrics.

When you combine the two elements “lifeless characters” and “baddies that just aren’t that bad”, you very quickly get a snooze-fest. Especially when you mix all of that up and toss a lame stock film score on top. Welcome to zzzzz city. It’s a full 48 minutes before the movie begins to pay off as all hell breaks loose on the slopes.

We are then treated to a standard issue, abysmal display of logic from our “Olympic” 20-somethings:

While watching the mayhem from a protected location, they see 3 men running towards the team’s shortbus. In one of the few sweet spider attacks, they are nabbed by silk and quickly pwnd by the little red, arachnid. After seeing this gruesome display, they realize that they need to get a move on. They look to their leader to come up with a plan. His plan? Run for the same bus less than 30 seconds after seeing 3 of their friends get annihilated in front of it.

yes… that’s his plan. wow…

Like this Breviewer has seen dozens and dozens of times, this movie isn’t cheese enough to laugh at, and it’s not serious enough to scare. I do have to give the effects guys a big shout-out for one single shot. After a character is forced to jump from half-way up a ski lift, therefore snapping his legs, a spider approaches the helpless man and begins to feed. A bit later we cut back and the spider is just finishing up on the man’s intestines. In a shockingly disgusting moment, the spider slurps up about 3 solid feet of intestine like it were spaghetti. Man… well done guys.

Besides a few minute, bloody nuggets, there’s just nothing much happening here. Please try not to watch this turd’s nest, I implore you.

NAB: The jumping spider tackles mid-air skiers.
POV: The spider-vision shots can be hysterical.
IMPALE: A mounted buck’s head as a weapon? Awesome.

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Octopus 2 is a rather misleading monster-shlock. After reviewing the B-lariously awesome Octopus I confidently picked Octopus 2 out of the lineup of hack-jobs and Aliens / Predator / Abyss / Terminator amalgamations. However, much like the opening 20 minutes of the original Octopus, I found myself watching instead of pointing and laughing.

The major difference between the two movies is that this lack of giggles and guffaws never came to an end with ‘pus 2. Even though the story is much simpler in ‘pus 2, where we follow Nick, a member of New York’s scuba police squad, as he tries to make sense of a mysterious drowning / murder, this movie throws so much character development at you that you never get the chance to laugh at anything (which is a GOOD thing, trust me). Not that there’s much to laugh at anyway, as the performances are stellar from everyone in the cast (especially from Fredric Lehne as Nick’s partner and long time mentor, Walter) and the production value towers over the films I’m used to viewing, making it hard to even call it a B movie.

Voices are dubbed where they’re needed, and they can cause you to snicker. However, besides the obvious reuse of nearly every single computer generated effect from the first Octopus, the narration simply isn’t senseless enough to entertain us camp-fans. It is possible to chuckle at some of the tentacle attacks if you visualize the filming process. The idea of a dozen or more people being paid to stand around someone with a piece of latex wrapped around their necks screaming at the top of their lungs always makes me smile.

There are a few unlikely coincidences of course, and the Octopus is far too intelligent, but the characters are interesting and the plot moves along so quickly one can hardly take notice. For instance, the Octopus is smart enough to know when a boat is about to blow, so it’s sure to submerge at the last second before it lights up like the Fourth of July. (By the way, the boat is about 5 inches long, which will produce a definite B-ellow of laughter)

One complaint I have about this movie as a standalone flick would be the tension in the action sequences. Several scenes are supposed to be extremely tense, and instead fall a little flat because there isn’t a terrible amount of action going on which forces the editor to simply cut back and forth between reaction shots. The music and camera work still achieve their goals, however, and as long as you know the difference between a bad movie, and a truly BAD movie, you should manage to enjoy Octopus 2. Just… not as a campy, schlocky, poorly-edited, horrendously produced Guy-in-a-Rubber-Suite movie. Ah well…

I will, however point out that the cg effects are abysmally poor, either being recycled from the first, or used to enhance latex. This could cause one to shriek with laughter, but, it’s not enough to sustain any sort of giddiness.

When it comes right down to it, is Octopus 2 a bad movie? Perhaps, perhaps not. Is Octopus 2 a good-bad movie? Unfortunately, the answer is no. It’s much more of a budget-less good movie.

I’m going to give this movie a 3 out of 5 brain removal, because I can’t predict how anyone might feel. It’s somehow rated lower than Sasquatch Hunters, which is the least entertaining film I’ve ever had the pleasure of reviewing. I had a great time watching Octopus 2, but I have a feeling most people out there are going to hate it, thinking it’s the worst of the worst. You can all take my word for it, it’s oscar-worthy in comparison to the garbage I’ve seen.

Special note: At the very least, check out the box at the video store. It’s the first dvd case I’ve ever seen that actually uses an unfinished special effect shot as one of it’s teaser screens – a man being strangled by a tentacle with a green screen background! What an awesome blunder.

THE GIRL: Gorgeous starving artist, need I say more?
THE BEAST: Barely seen, but nothing like JAWS
THE DREAM: Made it onto the box (click), it’s that good.

Don’t buy it now at amazon.com

After four absolute-DUD reviews in a row (The Roost, Cult, Serum & Doomed) I had my fingers crossed that Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe would be a step in the right direction. Hell, it seemed that ANYTHING would be better than all of those atrocities combined…But I was let down once again. Ultra-big-time-SSSSIIIIGGHH.

In a bleak 2210, humans have spread themselves throughout most of the universe. Think of it as Manifest Destiny to the 10th power. However, the mass colonization of other worlds hasn’t exactly been all wine and roses. It turns out the humdrum-homosapians are outnumbered by various breeds of boring-bloodsucking vampires!

That’s where the V-San (Vampire-Sanitation) unit comes in to play! The V-San is an Aliens ripoff crew of ragtags that spends more time whining than a group of jealous teenage girls camped outside Fall Out Boy’s tour bus. The V-San crew consists of Damian, who initially doesn’t have the ambition to be a part of the team, Rosa, who holds a major grudge against the voluptuous-vamp Quintana, and the obligatory cowboy, Roman, who is the movie’s only attempt at comedic relief. The group is led by hard-ass Churchill (played by Joe Lando), but when a mission goes sour he quickly becomes vampire sushi. By default, wishy-washy Damian is then ranked as Team Captain…and his crew doesn’t appreciate it one eency-weency bit. Actually, I wouldn’t appreciate it either! This guy is the least commanding, indecisive pretty boy in the galaxy! Don’t get me wrong, being soft and compassionate is an admirable quality. BUT, to lead a group of vampire hunting space soldiers requires some muthafuckin’ GUSTO! Sadly, it isn’t just Damian that is lacking: It is also the vampires, plot, action and soundtrack. Ultra-big-time-SSSSIIIGGGGH-redux.

For as much time as the makeup department put into the baddies in Vampire Wars it seems as though they would at least be scary…maybe not frightening, but at least scary. Though, as we at bisforbrains.com know well: Good production quality does NOT make for a good movie. Many of the vampires in this movie look fantastic. The makeup on the Nosferati, which are similar to the creepiest vampire in history, is outstanding for a low budget flick such as this. But they aren’t the least bit scary. All they do is grunt and clumsily lunge at their prey. Even Michael Ironside can’t manage to bring a single chill to the screen. He just enunciates a few things better than the rest and leaves about as quickly as you can say “Hey Michael Ironside is in…”

The set designs and special effects are incredible for the most part considering the budget and nature of this beast. Even the cinematography is impressive, handled splendidly by seasoned-veteran Eric J. Goldstein. However, all this sweet candy-coating contains absolutely zero substance. As darfnader noted, it took precisely forty-seven (47) minutes for the movie to actually give ANY sort of back story on the characters! After that little splice of exposition, it really doesn’t reveal much save for a few small scenes. And considering none of the characters die in any shocking or remarkable ways, it’s basically nothing but a 99 minute space-age bitch fest with a few battle scenes sprinkled on top.

Also, I am afraid I cannot let this review go online without mentioning the UN.BEAR.A.BLE soundtrack. I have no idea how they chose the music for Vampire Wars, but whoever gave the final approval should never be allowed to work in the horror or sci-fi genres again. There are at least 3 major scenes in the movie with some trendy, sappy emo garbage playing in the background, absolutely ruining all of the sweet set designs and honest attempts at acting. Imagine staring at your favorite painting while someone behind you bangs a bunch of pots and pans together…That’s how Vampire Wars feels.

Luckily, there was one moment in VW that was so unintentionally hilarious I nearly vomited from extreme laughter. At one point, the V-San Unit encounters a Slither-esque parasite-form of vampire. One of the lil’ buggers bursts out of some poor sap’s chest, and begins talking in a voice reminiscent of Lamb Chop’s Play Along!!! This is NOT an exaggeration. It is so outlandish and absurd I can’t help but give this movie a few extra props for that small scene alone!

To drive a stake through the heart of this review: Be glad we watched Vampire Wars so you don’t have to. Just doin’ our job…feel free to e-mail your thanks and appreciation letters to bd@corporatedemon.com.

QUINTANA: My type of gal…visually.
PARASITE-PUPPET: If you watch it…Fast forward to this!
PRODUCTION: Too bad it wasn’t for something worth while.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

I’ll get right down to the essentials on this slightly off-classic, giant monster movie. You’ll have to wait at least 50 minutes before you can safely and resoundingly begin to snicker and giggle. Before you hit that mark, there is little to roll your eyes about beyond the horrendously produced musical tracks. I have never heard a score that took me out of the moment (as monster-movie-mundane as it may be) like the background tunes of Octopus However, the laughs continuously multiply and intensify tenfold over the following thirty minutes. The movie ends on such an hilarious high-note that I nearly threw my back out while bursting with laughter. Octopus fails to provide an enormous amount of misses, but when the misses do occur, they are of such an implausible nature, that one cannot help but blast proverbial milk from their proverbial noses. (see list of illogical lines below)

The story is unusually complex for a movie of this type. There are interwoven plot-lines that stem from a U.N. bombing, a missing submarine that was transporting the Anthrax virus, and a terrorist group who plan on taking over a cruise liner. (I never said these stories were interwoven well, though) We follow a green FBI agent who is thrown unwillingly into a new assignment. His new assignment consists of: assist in the classified trans-continental-transport of the fellon who murdered his mentor in broad daylight. (although no mention of this fact is touched upon by anyone for the remainder of the film. Well, I suppose every time MY mentor is killed in front of me by a psychotic terrorist bomber, I like to play foosball… that’s just me). Our other main characters are introduced very late into the film, and consist of various Aliens/Abyss archetypes.

There’s a pathetic high-school love interest side-bar that seems to go where you think, but ends with an incredibly jaw-dropping twist. By “jaw-dropping”, I’m referring to “so absolutely nonsensical that my mouth hung open in awe.” And by “twist”, I mean “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……..”.

The goodies include some top-notch underwater effects (we’re talkin’ October Hunting good). The latex ‘pus and model sub hold up incredibly well under close inspection, and it’s only when the computer generated octopus fumbles onto the screen that you can safely poke some fun at the effects. The sub’s sets, while not incredibly realistic, are only a slight step down from your typical underwater tin-can flicks. Another fun plus is a great performance from Ricco Ross, aka “Frost” from Aliens, who plays a stout seaman that you continually wish were the actual main character (as usual).

The funny funny really comes in to play when the titular tentacled titan repeatedly reaches inside various vehicles/rooms. Suddenly, the tentacles become the size of a human arm and can then perform specific tasks like break a bad guy’s neck (the traditional action-movie twisting way). It also reacts when being shot with a tiny, tiny pistol. To illustrate how absurd this image is, I have created a diagram:

If you can muddle through the first half of Octopus, then you are in for a shrieking good time. Based upon the hilarity of the last 4 minutes alone, this flick needs to B seen.

The following are some examples of the complete lack of logic in this movie (and this is just what they are saying):

Captain: “We gotta be careful, or this thing’s gonna take us down.” Random Crew: “Yeah… but which one?”

Captain: “We’re at a depth that.. welp… not too many men get to experience. Unless… welp… they’re about to die.”

Random Crew: “Whatever it is, it’s big, and it’s moving in our direction.” Other Random Crew: “And it’s coming our way.” (less than 1 minute later) More Random Crew: “It’s coming closer!” Even More Random Crew: “It’s heading right for us!”

LEGIT: The first quarter is pretty damned good.
MAN MEAL: One devouring scene goes on for 20+ secs.
ANTI-CLIMACTIC: This one absolutely B-eats them all.

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What can I say about Timothy Hines’ take on the H. G. Wells classic? It B’s all it can B.

This retelling premiered alongside 2 other War of the Worlds releases, neither of which seem to live up to the original 1953 adaptation. Both of the low budget takes share a 2.9 (at this time) on the internet movie database, and the gluttonously budgeted, holocaustly overtoned Spielberg production leveled off at a 6.7. The original has withstood the test of time and remains at a glowing 7.2. Although these numbers aren’t a definitive view of whether or not a film is well made, they do, from time to time, help me sleep better at night with the hopes that entertainment might not end up becoming a Death Race after all.

This film must have truly been a labor of love for director Timothy Hines. It is an enigma of entertainment. Not since Lord of the Rings have I seen a movie with such a massive visual scope somehow maintain the exact level of production from start to finish. Unfortunately, that level of production is the same as nearly any local high school tv station. Keeping my eyes on the screen while preventing my thumb from pressing and holding the >> button are a testimony to the passion I have for this website, and I challenge anyone out there to watch the entire thing from credits to credits without developing a splitting headache. (and I did it twice!)

I feel like I’ve taken two in the chest for you guys, and here are the reasons why:

The level of filmmaking is so abysmally far below amateur that, again, I’m amazed it remains consistent throughout the entire production. You would think that they would at least get lucky here and there, or that they would have given up and cut the story off early. But, no. It is an amazingly consistent eye-rolling experience. This movie is, from start to finish, something that I can only compare to an early 90s cd-rom computer game (right-click to download Divx file). Nearly every single set is a bluescreen backdrop, and there is no relationship between the actors and what is happening around them. Their reactions are bland and their eye lines rarely match the supposed locations of the invading martians or collapsing puzzle buildings.

War of the World’s editing is inconsistent, confusing, and unendingly repetitious. The most aggravating of the edits are those that jump from a person or object that is 30 feet away, to that same thing at 3 feet away and at the same angle. Then back out, and in again. The production team appears to have had no opportunity to plan out timing or to storyboard a single frame. The blocking is nonsensical and the standard 180 degree rule seems to have been thrown out the nearest computer generated window. No sequence involving actual elements or actors can contain a sustained, fixed shot because nearly 98% of this film is digital. I’m almost more inclined to call WoftheW an animation than I am a live action feature. This film contains a staggering amount of visual effects shots, so much so that individual camera angles requiring no digital manipulation could probably be counted on two hands.

Timothy Hines has mentioned that he wanted to make the first full translation of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. However, no one bothered to mention to Tim that movies and books are as different from one another as running barefoot through the grass and knowing the entire existence of the yard. Not that books are lengthy or boring by any means, but they can cover more ground and connect you to a subject matter that you would otherwise have no way of experiencing. They can also retain our attention during a single moment in time for nearly an eternity. Films, however, do not need to waste the audiences time showing characters traveling to and from every single location. Especially if nothing but traveling takes place during those times. There are entire scenes that contain no dialogue, and there are an exceeding amount in which characters do nothing but run in different directions.

I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would want to watch this mustacheforsaken movie. It’s extremely entertaining because of it’s editing, effects, and acting, but it is also incredibly hard to sustain a giggle of sheer B-light for more than an hour. After that period, it becomes mind-numbingly painful to behold. Pendragon Studios should be thankful that most consumers can’t seem to tell the difference between the dvd cover of a major hollywood motion picture and that of independent endeavors such as this one. I can guarantee that 95% of their dvd sales were because of this very reason.

The only other point I would like to bring up would be that this movie in no way deserves an R rating. Apparently, shots of people being suddenly replaced with shitty CG skeletons, who continue to writhe in pain (with what mystical, invisible muscles I have no idea), and one shot of a girl being stepped on by a giant robot, constitute R material. Perhaps, according to my own theory, the ratings board wanted to spare as many people as possible the horrors of people running from a deadly martian invading force… and running… and running… tripping… running some more… stopping… looking back… running some more… finding a CG horse-drawn carriage, crashing it… continuing on foot… continuing… stopping to look back AGAIN… you get the picture.

Bless you, ratings board.

EFFECTS: B-lightfully crude, brain-numbingly plentiful.
MARTIANS: Hardly as intimidating as Fraggles.
MUSTACHES ETC: Must B seen to B B-lieved.

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What a joy! Automatons could have easily become a refurbished parody or homage to numerous classic films and television shows from over half a century ago, but instead, it stands stably on its own two metallic, shimmying, corrugated legs.

The setup, which is told to us in a most discerning way through recorded videos being played back by The Girl, our resident robot repairer, is that the timeframe in which this story takes place, on either this planet or an entirely fictional one, only two remaining ’super-powers’ exist in the world. Each of the remaining factions has it’s own supply of monstorous mechanical soldiers, and neither appears to be giving in any time soon.

Our heroin goes on about her most dubious way and repairs the robots battle after glorious, explosive battle. The exposition taking place constantly as a voice-over by video playback unravels the history of this world. B-veteran Angus Scrimm provides that voice, and manages to keep the movie rolling along briskly with his delivery as an arrogant, fascist scientist bent on stomping out insurgents, terrorists, and eventually, just plain ‘foreigners’. Where have I seen this before….

Getting Serious: Because of the moderate production, it carries with it something dearly missing at the theaters these days; simplicity. You may receive vivid nuances of the brilliance of Alien and Blade Runner while watching Automatons, and, much like those two quintessential sci-fi flicks, pacing plays a terrific role in this film. Its slow, deliberate shots cause the viewer to become immersed in the scene. A lingering image of a lone robot wandering on an open plain, for instance, causes us to shed the comedic value of the realization that we are viewing simple robot puppets. Most of the other scenes involving miniatures and technical readouts achieve realism in a similar fashion; by extending the length of the shot and therefore forcing the audience to pay closer attention to the situation, which creates tension instead of laughter. Also, the wonderfully realistic and timeless sound effects are very effective in convincing us that we are seeing something other than tiny tin toys and fireworks. A mild hum of electronic warmth can easily transport the audience to the home of our heroin, a robot chop-shop.

Lighten Up: This is the way true B-movies should be made, even today. All sense of sleek computer effects have been stricken from vision. The familiar jump and flicker of the frame are delightful to see. This movie contains everything that the “new and improved” George Lucas is missing. It has charm, and it has character. Also, Automatons has guts!!! Just when you thought the anti-war, anti-imperialistic message might end with a whimper, it ends with a BANG. Not to take away from the allegorical importance of the flick, but this show has some incredible, shocking gore. Gore-a-philes out there requiring your daily dose of venting vitals will delight in the multiple robo rampages.

After it’s all said and done, Automatons leaves you extremely satisfied. Nothing is lacking in this unique vision of the future. It delivers an interesting story and intriguing characters, simple as that. Budget hardly enters into it. (unless you giggle when 3-inch robots get blasted in the face with sparklers and melted with roman candles)

Thanks to deathtotheautomatons.com for providing bisforbrains with a screening copy of Automatons. Also, pop over to check out the trailer. No, NOW!

POLITICAL MESSAGE: Different year, same problems.
VIOLENCE: You’ll never look at power tools the same way.
NOAH DeFILIPPIS: Just broke the all-time end credit record.

Buy it now on amazon.com?

I’m not going to bring the incredibly prolific 20-year history of director Jim Wynorski into the discussion, I’m simply going to address the movie as it stands (which is the way it aughta be as far as I’m concerned). That’s what B-movies are all about; disregarding well-known actors, directors, and this thing they do in movies sometimes called “acting”.

Let’s jump right in, brain first. Shockwave, or it’s more appropriate title of A.I. Assault, is a sci-fi geek’s dream upon initial inspection. It co-stars major characters from 3 different generations of the Start Trek universe, as well as Bill freakin Mumy! The setup that takes place within about 13 minutes is; robot loose on deserted island –> plane carrying another genius military robot crashes on the same Deserted Robot Island™ –> random bank robbers are forced to land their failing chopper on –> you guessed it, Secret, Indestructible Deserted Robot Island™ –> send in the marines! –> and bingo-bongo, we got 30-foot squid-mechs running around murdering people we don’t care about (but with a hidden agenda.) Now when I say “murdering”, I’m actually referring to crap-job CG dummies being thrown through the air swiftly enough to avoid detection by the human eye. In fact, aside from two very fun decapitations towards the beginning of the movie, and an explosive end to one marine, there really isn’t anything here for you gore-lovers.

Cheese factor: In one of the very few laugh-out-loud moments of Crazy Secret Indestructible Robot Island Bank Robbers and Marines: The Movie™, a character is thrown more than 40 feet and lands on a gigantic styrofoam rock, which, naturally, shimmies and shakes like so much… non… rock… material. Sadly, I can count the number of similar wonderfully lame moments using one hand.

The effects are plausible, except for the fact that the production company forgot what the words “motion blur” mean. Beyond the opening scene, which I’m convinced was filmed after initial production had wrapped as a means to hook the viewer (with a plastic robot claw) and drag them through the sludge that would become the next hour and a half, the effects take a considerable drop. But, I have to admit that the audio is well handled for the most part, utilizing several cheap-o sci-fi laser sounds, and the musical score couldn’t B any more… B. I haven’t heard synth blaze this heroically since The Terminator!

The cinematography isn’t too bad and the editing isn’t noticeable, which is a compliment. The transitions from scene to scene, however, are like Star Wars wipes on crack. You never know when, where, or how quickly they’re gonna come at you. But you do know one thing, they will be accompanied with THIS early 90s cd-rom video game sound effect. Apparently this is the “shockwave” part of the movie? Because there sure as hell isn’t a single reference to the word anywhere else.

Shockwave is typical of what you see when you peruse the aisles of your local video chain these days. The advent and ease of computer graphics can create a stunning cover for nearly any movie, and it can draw you in with the promise of loads of visual goodies. I will admittedly admit that it captured my imagination instantly. The actual movie, however, is so incredibly BLAH that one can neither hate it, nor love it. Although there are hints of B-movie hilarity here and there, it suffers from the common B-movie okay-ism. The dialogue isn’t good, but it certainly isn’t horrid and laughable. The plot has one or two preposterous moments, but it’s nothing to giggle consistently at. And, everyone on the screen has clearly been acting for more than 3 days. These are the reasons why Shockwave truly deserves a mediocre score on any review site, even this one.

(Did you like that ‘admittedly admit’? I thought you might.)

SOUND EFFECTS: Various vintage Boops and Beeps.
EXPENDABLE CHARACTERS: Die faster than you can say ” “
“CRAZY ROBOTS?”: “not crazy, very very smart.”

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Claiming to be the “highest rated (more ambiguity, please) sci-fi pictures original of all-time!”, Alien Apocalypse is an enjoyable and surprisingly expansive low-budget creature feature. It has strong influences from Planet of the Apes, having a nearly identical plot setup, and also some of the stronger themes found in Bruce Campbell’s most commercially successful film, Army of Darkness. Competently directed by Josh Becker, who has gained some acclaim for his no-nonsense filmmaking, it comes very close to rising out of it’s b-movie status, were it not for the cartoonily (so I just made it up… so what?) obvious voice-over work and periodic cheese-ball acting from the Bulgarian locals. Also, Sci-Fi pictures had a hand in lowering this picture into the seedy dungeon that is: the B-movie, as they had nearly complete control over the pacing, as well as free reign to manipulate some essential plot reveals.

A quick summary might go a little like this: Doctor Ivan Hood is dropped into a future overrun by emotionless grasshopper-like alien baddies and embarks on a quest to locate the President of the United States and assist his efforts to free the human race from enslavement.

The cinematography is, from time to time, well handled and pulls the legitimacy of the whole movie up with it. But, when the characters within that frame are wearing beards and wigs that look as if they were made for a 3rd grade christmas play, it’s a little hard to take the whole thing seriously. This movie has some genuinely hilarious and frequently original and meaningful dialogue, however. Couple that with the lines being shot from the hip of B legend Bruce Campbell, and Xena alum Reneé O’Connor, and you end up with a movie that is fit to B-tied.

The effects in this movie are quite incredible for a small budgeted made-for-the-boob-tube production. One memorable scene features a tank of alien originals firing rockets at our heros. The tank has the influence of the trees surrounding it, and it even leaves convincing treads in the mud. The invading aliens are comprised of full-scale puppets and CGI animation. Although it is obvious which is which, both are to be commended on the highest level. The puppetry, although stiff and jerky, has an amazing texture, color, and is even complete with disgusting pulsating veins. Because the CGI work was completed after the initial shooting of the film, they were able to scan the physical puppets into the computer. This greatly enhanced the realism and also helped the frequent transitions between practical and digital aliens. Again, it’s obvious which is which, but if happen to be blessed with the ‘quality’ of a console television and a coaxial converter for your dvd player, these effects will look like heaven.

Another of the reasons why this movie nearly climbs out of the dank basement of b-movieness, but one of the reasons why it isn’t very popular, is that it’s one of those not-enough-bad and yet not-enough-good b-movies. There should be a new word for this type of movie. Bgadnoof. Yes, this movie is Bgadnoof. Therefore, I can only recommend Alien Apocalypse for fans of one of the following elements (and especially any combination): Bruce Campbell, Josh Becker, Reneé O’Conner, green alien gore splashing on the faces of our heros, heads of slave humans being randomly bitten off, gorgeos Bulgarian models in skimpy One Million Years B.C.-style outfits, uh-splosions, crazy-hilarious voice dubbing, a whimsical and sometimes hysterical commentary by the director and star, outstanding dialogue like (upon killing an asshole, Bruce says) “Your stupidity is terminal… you’ve just ben cured.”

As for this brain-analyzer, I had a blast watching the flick. It’s, on the surface, what it appears to be, a hastily-made sci-fi movie, sometimes poorly edited (but those parts are probably BY Sci-Fi themselves), but also contains some genuine and unfamiliar ideas and directions.

Interested in some previews? check out the unofficial website.

HUMOR: Fantastic smart-assidness from Bruce.
VIOLENCE: Good amount of sweet alien/human slaughtering.
FINGERS: Chopped off and served to the alien lords. yum!

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Welcome to Burquitlam and meet the pillar of society, local butcher, and all-around swell guy; Bob Sanderson. He will be our host as we take a slice of this small town and examine it over the course of a few short days. We get to know this town very quickly as we attend a town meeting where our lead, Bob, presents his ideas for a new universal language that will help simplify our lives and create unity throughout the world. Although filmed and set in the 80s, it’s clear that this movie’s era is the 1950s. Technological optimism, and an overly hopeful outlook on the future are a few of the running themes. The school children are even taught here that “the future lies in the future”. Everyone, including Bob, feel that household appliances are the single most important contribution man has made to the world.

We also get to know a few other characters including Abdulla, the enormous and frightening boiler-room attendant, and Jan Wezinski, a high school student who’s driving goal is to reach outer space. For reasons we are unsure of, Abdulla murders one of the mayor’s meaningless thugs. Just before this bizarre killing, he sings a song about the Baghdad Boogie and plays a trombone in the basement while the heat steadily rises from the boiler. He is also summarily fired because of his lack of attention. He then proceeds to shove the town mayor into a running vehicle engine, and drives off in the same car. Later, Abdulla is inexplicably carrying around the body in a burlap sack and it accidentally gets mixed in with Bob Sanderson’s usual delivery of meat. The body is hung in the freezer, which is then locked up tight. Abdulla’s mission becomes clear; retrieve the body by any means possible… even if that means becoming Bob’s new butcher trainee.

Between Abdulla’s random acts and disconcerting demeanor, Jan’s pursuit in obtaining orbit, and Bob Sanderson’s good nature and complete clueless-ness of his surroundings, this story grows to become extremely entertaining and engaging. The feel of the film is very personable, much like the feeling you get at a small town play.

Oh, and i nearly forgot… our fourth, and most entertaining plot-line; Space Aliens. Their mission is to find an energy source that will power their highly advanced smokeless ashtray-looking space vehicle. I don’t know why they need more fuel, it seems like the string that holds them in orbit is doing a fine job. Perhaps if the person making the “whoooossshhhhh” sounds could have sputtered a little into the microphone, it would have been more convincing.

Jan is also searching for a power source and the means by which to purchase it. Bob Sanders pays his lab a visit and a fantastic musical number ensues about the fantastic uses of chemistry in our modern world.

Part of the fun is that you don’t have a single clue what is going to occur (or is currently occurring) from scene to scene, or sometimes from shot to shot. A musical interlude, for example, would generally occur in a moment of change or self-revelation in a typical musical. In Big Meat Eater, a number can happen at any moment and with any character about any subject. It’s this continuing randomness that helps keep you interested. Although characters have their singular driving forces, there are enough unexpected elements floating around to keep the pace moving along energetically.

Mutants, robots, aliens, zombies, cold-blooded murder, science, appliances, musical numbers, zany special effects, meat, a campy cast of characters… the list of appeal goes on and on. This movie was truly ahead of it’s time. It is a cheese-filled, wink-at-the-camera gem from start to finish, and it is hard to take your eyes off the screen. (except, perhaps, when Abdulla grinds meat during his Big Meat Eater number)

HUMOR: Nearly had an aneurism from laughing.
MUSICAL NUMBERS: Can make even Chemistry hysterical.
ALIEN ROBOTS: Unforgettable. Legendary. all that stuff…