BUY IT…THAT’S AN ORDER!

If there is one movie genre that never ceases to amaze me with sheer stupidity, it is not B-Horror…it is B-Action. Something about the muscle bound pretty boys like Jean Cleade Van Damme and the painfully persistent Steven Seagal running around killing hooligan after hooligan of multi-millionaire drug-lord after multi-millionaire drug-lord drives me bonkers. Maybe it’s just me. But one good thing came out of this relentless stream of nonsense, and that is the nearly perfect B-Action Spinoff Lethal Force.

So unlike many of my other recent reviews where I begin trash talking in the second paragraph, I am instead going to start giggling like a little school boy as I attempt to express just how bad-fucking-ass Lethal Force really is. First and foremost, The plot is perfect for an action flick: Good guy must kill bad guy, with plenty of interesting and humorous subplots along the way. The picture quality and overall color scheme is straight out of the late 80’s/early 90’s. The music fits every scene to a T, ranging from cheesy single note hits on the synthesizer, touching piano, to all out Spy-Hunter style bass driven rock. And to top it all off, it’s all wrapped nicely in hand painted cover art. Yessums.

The characters throughout Lethal Force are all unique, memorable, and get plenty of time in the spotlight. The main characters Jack and Savitch (played by Frank Prather and Cash Flagg Jr, respectively) are definitely the film’s main highlights, but there are plenty of sweet and silly bad guys decked out in cheesy 80’s Miami Vice style suits to keep things lively. The coolest bad guys would most definitely have to be the black suit and tie wearing martial arts maniacs with the ghostly white masks. Once these guys are on the screen you know you are in for a treat!

Really there isn’t anything negative to say about Lethal Force. The action is tight, the acting is cheesy, and it had us laughing from start to finish. All I hope is that Sir Alvin D. Ecarma will enlighten us with another no-holds-B-arred action extravaganza such as this!

In fact, it’s soooooooo good, if you watch Lethal Force and don’t have a BLAST you might as well never visit bisforbrains.com again…because we sure as hell ain’t gonna get along. A+++

P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S.: A definite rewind moment!
‘NAM: Just when you thought it reached its peak.
EVERYTHING: The model B-Action movie.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.”

Our heros, Ace Evens and Rex Armstrong, have just caught the infamous Brazzo Brothers and are transporting them to jail via airplane. While in transit, aliens accidentally crash their saucer into the plane. Makes sense. If intelligent beings are able to transverse vast distances through space – navigating planetary systems, gravity wells, intergalactic debris, and the occasional comet – I could see how the logistics of dodging a twin-prop could prove tricky to them. Anyway, these ’strangers’ choose to capitalize on their misfortune and continue on with their diabolical schemes. They infiltrate a Uni-Cola™ bottling plant, where the very popular Health Cola™ is produced. Needing help to recover the ultra-secret Health Cola™ formula (that, of course, is on microfilm), the aliens spare, then enlist, the Brazzo Brothers. Will Ace and Rex be able to stop the ’strangers’ before they can complete their evil plans? (Imagine that last sentence, in a squiggly font, flying toward you from the computer screen. Maybe add in a bum-bum buuummmm instrumental)

Here is an example of a b-movie done right. First of all, it had a miniscule budget and definitely made the most out of it. The production crew was composed of college students from the University of Memphis who were promised course credit for their time and efforts (btb, you might be wondering what the kids learned during their time on set. In one interview, a grip explained that he had learned how to “procure” equipment for the film without anyone knowing). Not having to dish out Sacagawea to the production crew – or for equipment… apparently – left enough in the coffers for an exquisite stop motion fight scene reminiscent of Ray Harryhausen. Penczner was also able to add in a few keen mattes and some cheesy special effects (I think some of which were added by Flashframe Films for the 2005 release).

If you’re going to make a film set in the 1950’s, completely black and white, about diabolical aliens, then what is the perfect background music? Why, synthesized hip-hop loops, of course! I couldn’t stop chuckling the first time I watched the movie (and I have a feeling this, too, was added in after the 1982 release). It has a definite “what?!” factor that I thought was hilarious. It does, however, get annoying… and fast. After the third time I watched the movie, I seriously considered slamming my scrotum in a sliding glass door to get the damn tune out of my head!

This movie is classified as a comedy in Internet Movie Database, but I hesitate to do so here. I’m not trying to say “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” takes itself seriously… far from it. Any movie that features a bullet-proof pocket protector, an alien yelling at a cat, and an ultra-secret formula for cola that consists of ingredients like: cocoa, peanut butter, soy sauce, and fizzalator extract, can hardly be considered a greek tragedy. I just feel that the film was intended to fit more in a sci-fi classification than that of a comedy.

Despite a few shortcomings (like occasional manic editing), this movie is definitely worth your time.

Additional item: the doctor character, Frank Kaufman – played by Alan Zellner, looks just like young George Lucas! I hope he milked that for all it was worth back in 1982!

(For some reason, as of this post, Alan Zellner – who, to my knowledge hasn’t done anything since “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” (1982) - has dropped 45% on the STARmeter from last week… I’m pullin’ for you, Alan Zellner!)

ZNAMES: Zelt the Zbeast and ZomBall… need I say more.
STOP MOTION: Harryhausen-esk animation – Always a treat.
FIZZALATOR EXTRACT: Say it! Now, don’t you feel better?

Buy it now on amazon.com!

This gem of a B-dazzling B-movie is initially a re-hash of classics much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of travelers is welcomed into a freaky slasher country-house by a seemingly benign granny lady. Once they’re sufficiently deep within the crazy-pit all hell breaks loose and the weirdies come out of the woodwork slashing, biting, and.. plate-throwing?

Yes, you heard right. There is a character in this movie named Plates. He is so aptly named because of a unique ability to buff and launch his porcelain discs at high velocities. Plates is played by the science-fiction and horror veteran Warwick Davis, the only actual actor in the film that has been in a movie anyone on the planet is familiar with, not that that is a prerequisite to being in a B movie by any means. This silly, nonsensical little lunatic is one of several enjoyable and unique characters littered throughout Skinned Deep.

Although the film has another character named Brain, who has a head the size of a german shepherd, the film does not actually show signs of any brains. Aside from possessing a grade of acting that is obscenely far below B, probably something like negative pound sign, the characters mental capacities are what brings this film down. Now, horror films require that their victims are sometimes dumb. In general, the hero is the only one who has any signs of cells upstairs. Skinned Deep contains dozens of mindless walking lumps of gore-potential. These people are beyond idiotic, beyond illogical, and beyond all reason. When first welcomed into the dining room of their future murderers, they are presented with a character who is wearing, on top of goggles and a pair of metal chompers resembling a cartoon bear trap, the amputated face of his previous victim. If you can’t imagine how absurd this looks, picture a person with a watermelon over their head and a picture of Mr. Miyagi taped to it.

Our travelers buy this “disguise” at close proximity hook, line, and sinker. The empty-headed, gum-chewing mother even appears to fancy him. This is one of the many instances where quickly paced and disorienting editing, as well as feeble attempts at humor, must be used to cover up glaring situational, story, and blocking oversights. Also, the writers must have prayed that baboons would be the only audience seeing this movie because only baboons would believe that a person who is handed a pound and a half of raw meat on a strip of craft paper by complete strangers would gladly accept it as he would a sirloin on fine china.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this film experience. At certain points, this movie seems to be right on target with it’s over-the-top, random humor. SMALL SPOILER! During a battle sequence near the film’s end, senior citizens who have been planted with bombs are being blown up one by one. One of the elderly fellows witnesses the destruction of his best friend’s head. We then witness a CG zoom that passes through his rib cage and into his chest cavity where we are treated to the inexplicable explosion, we’re talkin’ Death Star-style, of his heart. SPOILER OVER! This type of comedic, scream-out-loud brilliance is randomly peppered throughout the film. The gore is great, as are several of the computer generated effects (not so much the exploding heart shot…). Head and limb removal shots are particularly good.

I have to say, despite all of it’s logic-defying flaws, and mind-numbing performances, Skinned Deep holds a special place in my heart. It managed to show me at least half a dozen gore-tastic things that this B-reviewer would never have even conceived of, and my hat is therefore off. But, I wouldn’t dream of spoiling any of them for you. And, as an added bonus, the end credits caused such an agonizing array of emotions inside me that I couldn’t begin to relay it with words.

For loads of screenshots, gather up the dim-witted family and head over here.

BATTLE ROYALE: The legend that is: Shakes vs Plates!!!
NUDITY: The best kind, the kind that gets people arrested.
EXECUTIONS: Death by sand? Believe it… Or don’t.

Buy the DVD on amazon.com!

(or the UMD for your PSP here)

Ignoring the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are now multi-millionaires and creators of one of the funniest television shows in history, not to mention Academy Award Nominees, this is my hopefully non-biased review of Cannibal! The Musical.

From the very opening you know you are in for a gory, campy ride. The titles are followed by a ditty about the actual “history” of this flick, and the explanation is capped by “The film’s violent scenes have been edited out for your viewing pleasure”. This is followed by a scene of extreme comedic violence and gore. We realize that this is only a flashback being told by a prosecuting attorney, and that the main character, Alferd Packer, is standing trial for committing the murders you just witnessed. After this bloody explanation, the scene ends with Packer announcing to himself (and to us, of course) “…but that’s not how it happened…”.

From this point on, the story begins, and we see how it “really happened”. Packer is unwittingly named leader of a band of men heading across Colorado Territory. They run into trouble along the way and wind up on the brink of starvation. But, did they engage in cannibalism to stay alive? We’ll answer these questions and many more. Such as: Can a horse really be faithful to just one man? Does the Lord really work in mysterious ways? Is there such thing as a cyclops?

Cannibal the musical has some really great gore, and some really hilariously bad gore. It’s cheaply made and therefore quaint, and also demands at least a little respect for how funny it is. There is a lot of situational and visual comedy, much like the Airplane! films, but the musical numbers are also highly enjoyable in various ways, melodically, comedically, and visually. For instance, after Packer’s horse mysteriously disappears, we hear the song about “your eyes, your smile, make my little life worth while”. Reminiscent of an 80s ballad with profile shot and eye-line off into the distance horizon. It’s also complete with flashbacks of all the “best times” the two had together.

This movie contains homages amongst inside jokes and great original songs and characters. One can definitely see the potential that these guys have. Which is another point, the movie is well-filmed and well-edited. There’s nothing really worth noting, but that 4th wall is never a distraction.

A note about the dvd: The Troma-intensive release of this movie has a small set of features including a drunken commentary by the stars and creators that is NOT to be missed. After about an hour, the lot has been reduced to screaming obscenities over one another and farting into the microphone.

Begin unbiased review section: If you are fans of Matt and Trey’s work on South Park and Team America, you need to check this movie out. Nearly all of their later elements are present, including my favorite, manipulating the audio with silly-voice-dubbing (that’s the technical name… what? look it up!)

GORE: Both funny and sometimes damn gross.
FUDGE: Makes an obvious appearance.
MUSICAL NUMBERS: Of a surprisingly high quality.

Buy a slice now on amazon.com!

Welcome to Burquitlam and meet the pillar of society, local butcher, and all-around swell guy; Bob Sanderson. He will be our host as we take a slice of this small town and examine it over the course of a few short days. We get to know this town very quickly as we attend a town meeting where our lead, Bob, presents his ideas for a new universal language that will help simplify our lives and create unity throughout the world. Although filmed and set in the 80s, it’s clear that this movie’s era is the 1950s. Technological optimism, and an overly hopeful outlook on the future are a few of the running themes. The school children are even taught here that “the future lies in the future”. Everyone, including Bob, feel that household appliances are the single most important contribution man has made to the world.

We also get to know a few other characters including Abdulla, the enormous and frightening boiler-room attendant, and Jan Wezinski, a high school student who’s driving goal is to reach outer space. For reasons we are unsure of, Abdulla murders one of the mayor’s meaningless thugs. Just before this bizarre killing, he sings a song about the Baghdad Boogie and plays a trombone in the basement while the heat steadily rises from the boiler. He is also summarily fired because of his lack of attention. He then proceeds to shove the town mayor into a running vehicle engine, and drives off in the same car. Later, Abdulla is inexplicably carrying around the body in a burlap sack and it accidentally gets mixed in with Bob Sanderson’s usual delivery of meat. The body is hung in the freezer, which is then locked up tight. Abdulla’s mission becomes clear; retrieve the body by any means possible… even if that means becoming Bob’s new butcher trainee.

Between Abdulla’s random acts and disconcerting demeanor, Jan’s pursuit in obtaining orbit, and Bob Sanderson’s good nature and complete clueless-ness of his surroundings, this story grows to become extremely entertaining and engaging. The feel of the film is very personable, much like the feeling you get at a small town play.

Oh, and i nearly forgot… our fourth, and most entertaining plot-line; Space Aliens. Their mission is to find an energy source that will power their highly advanced smokeless ashtray-looking space vehicle. I don’t know why they need more fuel, it seems like the string that holds them in orbit is doing a fine job. Perhaps if the person making the “whoooossshhhhh” sounds could have sputtered a little into the microphone, it would have been more convincing.

Jan is also searching for a power source and the means by which to purchase it. Bob Sanders pays his lab a visit and a fantastic musical number ensues about the fantastic uses of chemistry in our modern world.

Part of the fun is that you don’t have a single clue what is going to occur (or is currently occurring) from scene to scene, or sometimes from shot to shot. A musical interlude, for example, would generally occur in a moment of change or self-revelation in a typical musical. In Big Meat Eater, a number can happen at any moment and with any character about any subject. It’s this continuing randomness that helps keep you interested. Although characters have their singular driving forces, there are enough unexpected elements floating around to keep the pace moving along energetically.

Mutants, robots, aliens, zombies, cold-blooded murder, science, appliances, musical numbers, zany special effects, meat, a campy cast of characters… the list of appeal goes on and on. This movie was truly ahead of it’s time. It is a cheese-filled, wink-at-the-camera gem from start to finish, and it is hard to take your eyes off the screen. (except, perhaps, when Abdulla grinds meat during his Big Meat Eater number)

HUMOR: Nearly had an aneurism from laughing.
MUSICAL NUMBERS: Can make even Chemistry hysterical.
ALIEN ROBOTS: Unforgettable. Legendary. all that stuff…

Lucky is kind of like the weird kid that always sat in the back of the class who was never interested in talking to anyone because he was too busy drawing macabre images in his creepy black sketchbook. He wasn’t popular, not interested in being cool, and definitely wasn’t the life of the party. But if you gave him a chance and spent some time with him, you would find out that well…yeah he is out of his mind, but he also has a lot of worthwhile things to say.

Millard Mudd is a down on his luck cartoon writer that’s low on ideas, cash, and tolerable girlfriends. His house has more beer cans littered about than a frat house on the last day of school. Despite his obvious bad hygiene and lack of any susie-homemaker ability, he is a lovable guy & much like Homer Simpson in appearance. On the inside however is an entirely different beast. His mind races haphazardly through a maniacal whirlwind of self-loathing and self-righteousness. Does being a writer go hand-in-hand with being psychotic or what? I guess I’m lucky (ba-dum-chissh) this site is only a hobby of mine.

When he runs over a poor little dog on a drinking and driving expedition, things finally seem to take a turn for the better in Millard’s life. His new companion, Lucky, has the ability to telepathically speak with Millard, inspiring him and giving him a motivational kick in the ass. Finally he is able to meet his deadlines and actually produce some quality work. On top of all that, he meets his dream woman, cleans up his act and is sitting pretty on cloud nine. But bliss doesn’t last forever. Things quickly take a 180 degree turn for Millard and he heads into a personal hell even worse than the one he was in before.

That’s the setup for Lucky. Any description beyond this point would get too descriptive and ruin the experience. That being said, the experience to be found in Lucky is certainly not for everyone. More than anything else, Lucky is a black comedy. It’s not really suspenseful, it doesn’t have any spectacular visuals, spooks, or gore. All it has is an intelligently crafted claustrophobic script takes place entirely within Millard’s twisted mind. It’s quite a feat to keep someone like me entertained with such an introverted story, but Lucky manages to pull it off. The fact that both director Steve Cuden and writer Stephen Sustarsic both have experience in the cartoon business obviously helps the movie succeed, with their first hand experience of Millard’s career. Is this a look into some legitimate inner torment or is it a tongue-in-cheek self mockery? My guess is the latter, but I’m not entirely sure.

If you were the jock asshole that always gave that weird kid in the back of class a hard time, then stay as far away from Lucky as possible. On the other hand, if you gave that kid a chance, or if you were that kid, then chances are you’re going to thoroughly enjoy Lucky…or at least smile a few times during its course.

MILLARD’S MIND: It’s so twisted yet so enjoyable.
MILLARD’S DEMEANOR: You can’t help but like this crazy fuck.
MILLARD’S MANIA: When things get worse it only gets better.

Buy it now at amazon.com!

In the 24 years of my existence, a few movies have managed to truly touch my soul and offer me a new outlook on life. Most people in our culture have had the same experience, perhaps with The Breakfast Club, Forrest Gump or The Passion of the Christ. For me, it would have to be Teenage Caveman.

Begin scenario setup: It’s a post-apocalyptic future. Society has been reduced to small tribes lead by religious fanatics. The males are the dominant gender and are relied upon to provide food for their tribe. Teens are bombarded with constant threats to their well-being if they give in to their nature of sin, because “God is coming and he is PISSED!” David, the pretty-boy-leader of the teens, ends up killing his father and is confronted by an angry mob. They leave him to die, but thankfully his friends quickly come to the rescue. They all run away and get caught in some nasty weather that somehow knocks them all out. We come to find the unconscious teens re-(barely)-clothed and in a strange location. We quickly meet two new characters who discovered the stranded teens. End scenario setup. Begin B-Movie-Magic.

At this point, all importance of a plot or story-line gets blown completely out the water. Why? Because we quickly dive into a drug and alcohol filled orgy of epic R-Rated proportions…that goes on…and on…and on…It’s incredible how long this segment lasts, and I love every second of it. Thank you Larry Clark, thank you.

Anyway…so we learn this strange place they’re in is an old BioTech research complex. It turns out Neil and Judith (the two people that discovered the motley crue of teens) are genetically-altered-super-humans, with drug and sex habits that make Lemmy from Motörhead look like my friggin’ Grandma. SPOILER WARNING: So on we continue with more sex, more drugs, more sex, more alcohol, more sex, more drugs, and literally out of nowhere BAM: One of the females EXPLODES!!! And boy do I mean EXPLODES!!! I mean flying blood and guts topped-off by a lovely protruding femur, with several close-ups of all the pink and crimson goodness to satisfy any gore lovers appetite. Not to mention that A.) All she was wearing was a pear of panties when it happened, and B.) Judith was masturbating while watching all of this unfold! END SPOILER. Thank you once again Larry Clark, you have no idea how much I love you for this.

So how does the story develop? Who cares, because we get all of the following…and then some!

Awesomely-Bad Acting & Hilarious Dialog: Either the characters are completely dull or ridiculously over the top. Tiffany Lamos’ (Judith) acting is honestly some of the worst I have EVER seen, and it’s entertaining as hell to watch. Also, every single delivery by the redneck of the bunch is a riot, and Neil always steals the screen with his coked-out-maniacal-glam-rock-surfer-boy persona. I also want to make note of Neil’s initial introduction, one of the coolest character intros in B-History. How can you possibly top bursting through the door singing and dancing along to “Where Eagles Dare” by The Misfits?

Excessive and totally absurd slapping: Now I know what you’re thinking, “What, slapping?” Yes, that’s right. Slapping! This movie has more characters slapping each other than an entire row of chick-flicks at your local rental store COMBINED! To make things even better, when one slap occurs, the slapper BARELY TOUCHES the slappee and it sounds like a fucking black-cat went off!

Unexpected and ludicrous gore: Despite the exploding nekkid chick, we get SPOILER WARNING: a punch through Judith’s chest that results in the holding of her heart, a decapitation of the redneck by Neil’s bare-hands (followed by a little peck on the heads lips) and a visually impressive slashing of the wrists. END SPOILERS.

Monster Mania: A sweet creature designed by Stan Winston that goes ape-shit. Plus he’s wearing silver pants. ‘Nuff said!

So yeah, that’s pretty much Teenage Caveman. It’s nothing Oscar-worthy, it’s not thought provoking, it’s not artsy or expressive…It’s just a rollicking B-Movie with tons of nudity that will have you laughing from start to finish. Enjoy it for what it’s worth!

NUDITY: You’d have to rent a porno to get more!
VIOLENCE: Sparse, but always jaw dropping!
HUMOR: Takes “slap-stick” to a whole new level!

Directed by Larry Blamire
MPAA: Rated PG for brief mild language.
Runtime: 90 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White / Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: USA:PG / Canada:G (Quebec) / Canada:PG (Ontario) / Singapore:PG

Buy it now on amazon.com!

We can all agree that there are several common makings of a great b-movie experience that will more than likely include the following: poor or seemingly first-time performances, special effects that give themselves away instantly, a plot that is full of random occurrences that barely manage to push along the simplistic story, and, of course, a fantastical title and subject matter. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra manages to do take each of these elements and amp them up to their limits to create a wonderfully enjoyable farce. However, take note that the writer and director, Larry Blamire, is not making light of these classic horror and sci-fi movies from the 50s and 60s. He is, instead, paying homage to them by taking the essence of what makes the b-movie entertaining to us and playing it from a purely comedic angle.

The plot can be summed up in just one sentence: Good guys try to find a meteor for reasons of good, while bad buys try to find it for reasons of bad, also, aliens also try to find the meteor for good also, but try at first to do it in bad way. (one sentence)

The production is as purposefully cheap as it can be. A spaceship made from a toilet-paper roll and a mutation ray made from what appears to be a caulking gun are just a few of the gems you will witness. And of course, each of these props has it’s own “beauty shot” to emphasize it’s splendor.

The actors didn’t just take into account the characters that they were portraying, but they were also conscious of the fictional actors who would have played them during the 50s. This depth allowed them to add nuances such as an obvious awareness of themselves and of the camera. The performances therefore come across as stiff and completely one-dimensional. However, in this case that is an exceptionally good thing.

If you feel you have the scientific intellect to enjoy a truly great bad movie, then look no further. Pull up a chair, pop open a bottle of Space Wine, and prepare your funny bone for a launch into the atmosphere….. ium….

I sleep now.

HUMOR: Should induce respiratory shock.
VIOLENCE: Skeleton vs Mutant. Need I say more?
NUDITY: A sultry dance from Animala is as good as it gets.

Buy it now at amazon.com!

Three letters can explain my thoughts on this movie: WTF?!?

No seriously. Let’s examine this little flick from director Joe Castro. Things kick off with a rather hilarious introduction by some leather-and-stud-clad punk rocker. I have to admit, this terrible little intro had me pumped up for what was to come. As soon as the actual movie began my jaw was on the floor. The so called “special-effects” in the opening scene contain some of the worst blue-screen and After-Effects filters I’ve ever seen! Needless to say, I was excited.

The movie gets right to the gore, with Dr. Carnage mutiliating what looks to be either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. Not sure which. We are then presented with the most cliche of horror scenarios: Two sisters are left home alone while their parents leave town. I have to give the guys that made this movie mad props, the mom is actually played by a friggin’ cross-dresser! The busty sisters and their friend invite some sweaty guys from the gym over to spend the night and the movie kicks into gear…sort of.

Dr. Carnage and his giant monkey minion Max Assassin infiltrate the house by way of a DVD copy of the latest entertainment sensation “Terror Toons” which is produced by none-other than The Devil himself. What quickly follows is the only genuinely creepy and successful effect in the entire movie. SPOILER WARNING: The two cartoon baddies convert the younger sister into a puppet, and whenever she speaks to anyone her mouth moves erratically. Yep, that’s the only effect that’s worth a shit…and sadly it ends up being one of only three things that are worth seeing.

So what follows is some good ol’ Strip-Ouija (which doesn’t reveal anything)…a guy puking out his guts, a death-by-pizza-slicer and a dumb jock getting his brain tickled. END SPOILERS.

All of this had the potential to be hilarious. The problem is, the so called “cartoon violence” that is used is actually too realistic to be funny! Now I know what you’re thinking…”What, gore too realistic? Never!!!” But when you’re obviously trying to be funny, it kills the mood to linger on the slow-drawn-out gore and torture scenes. Take Dead-Alive or From Dusk Till Dawn for instance, they are gory as hell…but they know how to be just cheesy and quick enough to pull off the joke.

Things don’t improve with the overdone visual effects either, these horrendous post-production effects continue on throughout the course of the film. A 13 year old with a computer of equal age could pull off the same effects, probably better! Now there’s nothing wrong with bad effects, they are one of the things that I love most about movies…but these effects…whew…they just become annoying.

SPOILER WARNING: Eventually it boils down to just being the older sister versus the cartoon villains. In order to defeat them, she enters the cartoon world, talks to The Devil (the only decent actor you’ll see) and gains special powers. Commence memorable moment number two: “I want to be a super-hero…AND KICK YOUR ASS!”

Thing worth watching number three: The harrowing climax comes when the new Super-Hero plants a giant plastic battle-axe in Dr. Carnage’s face. At this point my entire world turned upside-down and inside-out. Spewing out of the cave in his forehead are a bunch of little black fuzzy screaming creatures. To make things even better, they are all flat yet spinning in 3-Dimensions! But wait, there’s more! After the fountain of indescribableness an ENTIRE SKELETON (also flat but in 3-D space) flies out of his fucking head!!! This entire segment is so incredibly bizarre I can’t help but love it. I can only wonder what kind of mind-altering substances the visual-effects “artist” was on when he made this. END SPOILERS.

The making of documentary reveals a lot about the movie’s quality, they shot the entire thing in 3 days! I have to commend those crazy bastards for that. The movie would have been 10 times funnier if they would have done the effects more practically…but of course that would require more than 3 days of filming.

Overall, only rent this thing if you want to see what you can do with 30 minutes of experimentation in After-Effects.

HUMOR: Pretty dull.
VIOLENCE: Fairly realistic, but that’s the problem.
NUDITY: A few peeks, nothing special.