Directed By: Alvin Ecarma
Also Known As: Alvin Ecarma’s Lethal Force (USA) (promotional title)
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color

BUY IT…THAT’S AN ORDER!

If there is one movie genre that never ceases to amaze me with sheer stupidity, it is not B-Horror…it is B-Action. Something about the muscle bound pretty boys like Jean Cleade Van Damme and the painfully persistent Steven Seagal running around killing hooligan after hooligan of multi-millionaire drug-lord after multi-millionaire drug-lord drives me bonkers. Maybe it’s just me. But one good thing came out of this relentless stream of nonsense, and that is the nearly perfect B-Action Spinoff Lethal Force.

So unlike many of my other recent reviews where I begin trash talking in the second paragraph, I am instead going to start giggling like a little school boy as I attempt to express just how bad-fucking-ass Lethal Force really is. Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Marius Penczner
Runtime: 105 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: UK: 12

Buy it now on amazon.com!

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Gabriel Bartalos
Runtime: 97 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color (DeLuxe)
Certification: USA:R / Germany:18 / UK:18

Buy it now on amazon.com!

This gem of a B-dazzling B-movie is initially a re-hash of classics much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of travelers is welcomed into a freaky slasher country-house by a seemingly benign granny lady. Once they’re sufficiently deep within the crazy-pit all hell breaks loose and the weirdies come out of the woodwork slashing, biting, and.. plate-throwing?

Yes, you heard right. There is a character in this movie named Plates. He is so aptly named because of a unique ability to buff and launch his porcelain discs at high velocities. Plates is played by the science-fiction and horror veteran Warwick Davis, the only actual actor in the film that has been in Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Trey Parker
Runtime: 95 min / UK:97 min (video)
Country: USA
Language: English / Japanese
Color: Color
Certification: Canada:18A / UK:18 / USA:R

Buy the DVD on amazon.com!

(or the UMD for your PSP here)

Ignoring the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are now multi-millionaires and creators of one of the funniest television shows in history, not to mention Academy Award Nominees, this is my hopefully non-biased review of Cannibal! The Musical.

From the very opening you know you are in for a gory, campy ride. The titles are followed by a ditty about the actual “history” of this flick, and the explanation is capped by “The film’s violent scenes have been edited out for your viewing pleasure”. This is followed by a scene of extreme comedic violence and gore. We realize that this is only a flashback being told by a prosecuting attorney Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Chris Windsor
Runtime: 82 min
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Canada:PG (2005) / Canada:R (original rating)

Buy a slice now on amazon.com!

Welcome to Burquitlam and meet the pillar of society, local butcher, and all-around swell guy; Bob Sanderson. He will be our host as we take a slice of this small town and examine it over the course of a few short days. We get to know this town very quickly as we attend a town meeting where our lead, Bob, presents his ideas for a new universal language that will help simplify our lives and create unity throughout the world. Although filmed and set in the 80s, it’s clear that this movie’s era is the 1950s. Technological optimism, and an overly hopeful outlook on the future are a few of the running themes. The school children are even Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Steve Cuden
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexual content including aberrant behavior, violence and language.
Runtime: 83 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: UK:18 / USA:R

Lucky is kind of like the weird kid that always sat in the back of the class who was never interested in talking to anyone because he was too busy drawing macabre images in his creepy black sketchbook. He wasn’t popular, not interested in being cool, and definitely wasn’t the life of the party. But if you gave him a chance and spent some time with him, you would find out that well…yeah he is out of his mind, but he also has a lot of worthwhile things to say. Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Larry Clark
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexuality, substance abuse, language, and violence – all involving teens.
Runtime: USA:90 min / USA:100 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Argentina:16 / Finland:K-18 / Germany:18 / South Korea:18 (DVD rating) / UK:18 / USA:R

Buy it now at amazon.com!

In the 24 years of my existence, a few movies have managed to truly touch my soul and offer me a new outlook on life. Most people in our culture have had the same experience, perhaps with The Breakfast Club, Forrest Gump or The Passion of the Christ. For me, it would have to be Teenage Caveman.

Begin scenario setup: It’s a post-apocalyptic future. Society has been reduced to small tribes lead by religious fanatics. The males are the dominant gender and are relied upon to provide food for their tribe. Teens are bombarded with constant threats Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by Larry Blamire
MPAA: Rated PG for brief mild language.
Runtime: 90 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White / Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: USA:PG / Canada:G (Quebec) / Canada:PG (Ontario) / Singapore:PG

Buy it now on amazon.com!

We can all agree that there are several common makings of a great b-movie experience that will more than likely include the following: poor or seemingly first-time performances, special effects that give themselves away instantly, a plot that is full of random occurrences that barely manage to push along the simplistic story, and, of course, a fantastical title and subject matter. The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra manages to do take each of these elements and amp them up to their limits to create a wonderfully enjoyable farce. However, take note that the writer and director, Larry Blamire, is not making light of these classic horror and sci-fi movies from the 50s and 60s. Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Joe Castro
MPAA: Rated R for violence/gore and some nudity.
Runtime: 75 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: UK:18 / USA:R

Buy it now at amazon.com!

Three letters can explain my thoughts on this movie: WTF?!?

No seriously. Let’s examine this little flick from director Joe Castro. Things kick off with a rather hilarious introduction by some leather-and-stud-clad punk rocker. I have to admit, this terrible little intro had me pumped up for what was to come. As soon as the actual movie began my jaw was on the floor. The so called “special-effects” in the opening scene contain some of the worst blue-screen and After-Effects filters I’ve ever seen! Needless to say, I was excited.

The movie gets right to the gore, with Dr. Carnage mutiliating what looks to be either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. Not sure which. We are then presented with the most cliche of horror scenarios: Two sisters are left home alone while their parents leave Read the rest of this entry »