 
Directed by: Timothy Hines
Also Known As: Classic War of the Worlds
Runtime: 179!!!
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA: R
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What can I say about Timothy Hines’ take on the H. G. Wells classic? It B’s all it can B.
This retelling premiered alongside 2 other War of the Worlds releases, neither of which seem to live up to the original 1953 adaptation. Both of the low budget takes share a 2.9 (at this time) on the internet movie database, and the gluttonously budgeted, holocaustly overtoned Spielberg production leveled off at a 6.7. The original has withstood the test of time and remains at a glowing 7.2. Although these numbers aren’t a definitive view of whether or not a film is well made, they do, from time to time, help me sleep better at night with the hopes that entertainment might not Continue »
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Directed by: Jörg Lühdorff
Runtime: Germany: 98 min / USA: 104 min
Country: Czech Republich / Germany
Language: German / English (US dvd)
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: Germany: 12 / USA:PG-13
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Sigh… Revenge of the Rats is a German-made, perfectly A-typical “Attack of the _______” thriller. The plot is as follows: Rats infest city on a garbage strike, inhabitants struggle with the disease-filled rodents. Although this movie has the advantage of instilling a bit more immediacy due to it’s realistic antagonist (aka it’s got rats instead of mutant crabs or giant rabbits), it’s only marginally better than your average straight-to-vid. If this is the first of it’s kind for you, then you’ll probably think it’s pretty darn entertaining. Because you are 11. For the rest of us who have seen this archetype many, many times, there isn’t much intrigue. But, let’s sift through the mounting heaps of garbage, avoiding the terminal rat-bites, and see what we can salvage. Continue »
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Directed by: Jim Wynorski
Runtime: 94 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA:R
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I’m not going to bring the incredibly prolific 20-year history of director Jim Wynorski into the discussion, I’m simply going to address the movie as it stands (which is the way it aughta be as far as I’m concerned). That’s what B-movies are all about; disregarding well-known actors, directors, and this thing they do in movies sometimes called “acting”.
Let’s jump right in, brain first. Shockwave, or it’s more appropriate title of A.I. Assault, is a sci-fi geek’s dream upon initial inspection. It co-stars major characters from 3 different generations of the Start Trek universe, as well as Bill freakin Mumy! The setup that takes place within about 13 minutes is; robot loose on deserted island –> plane carrying another genius military robot crashes on the same Deserted Robot Island™ –> Continue »
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Directed by: Julien Magnat
MPAA: Rated R for violence/gore and language.
Runtime: 94 min
Country: France / Spain
Language: French
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Certification: France:-12 /
Switzerland:16 (canton of Geneva) /
Switzerland:16 (canton of Vaud) /
USA:R / Germany:16 /
Spain:13 / Italy:VM14
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Wow, was this a nice surprise. Imagine if Ultraviolet and BloodRayne would have actually developed some characters, given us some innovative scenarios, and didn’t take themselves so damn seriously and that’s exactly what you will get with the French film Bloody Mallory.
Olivia Bonamy (quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the history of the world) plays Bloody Mallory: a gun-toting, cigar-smoking, ass-kicking, Continue »
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Directed by: BJ Davis
Also known as: Soldier of Fortune
MPAA: Rated R for violence and brief nudity.
Runtime: 84 min
Country: USA / Germany / South Africa
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Australia:M / Germany:18 / USA:R
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With a title like “Laser Mission” that just screams campy sci-fi goodness, how can you possibly go wrong? Well, I guess if there aren’t any lasers it might kind of ruin things…and this movie has zero. However, the movie does have a mission: to make people like me laugh hysterically!
The plot of Laser Mission involves a stolen diamond, a kidnapped scientist, and a mercenary trying to retrieve both. At least I think that’s what just happened…on paper anyway. What really happened was some extended car chases, playground mentality gun fights, and round after round of Continue »
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Directed by Eugène Lourié
Runtime: 78 min
Country: UK
Language: English
Color: Color (Technicolor)
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Finland:K-12 (re-rating) / Finland:(Banned) (original rating) / Sweden:15 / UK:PG / USA:Unrated / UK:X (original rating)
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You always know that you’re in for a real treat when the first line of a film is flubbed. This is my review of the least Like Nothing I’ve Ever Seen Before film I’ve ever seen. Then again, if by “Like Nothing You’ve Ever Seen Before” they meant; “Most Like Godzilla We Could Get Away With”, then it was very much Like Nothin…. oh, you get the point.
Here we go, Gorgo (aka The Story of King-Kong as played by Godzilla). Start in with a couple of salvage dealers, Sam and Joe, on board their ship. They encounter inexplicable volcanic activity. The ship is damaged in the high waves, but luckily there is an island nearby. Our two sort-of more main characters head out to find some fresh water Continue »
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