Buy it now at amazon.com!

Although this movie isn’t want we want to review on this website (found here!), I feel I must give it some attention for those who may be online, quickly searching for a review or two before they pick it up off the store shelves. Plus.. you know… I watched the thing the under the same false B-tenses that you might also easily succumb to.

So let’s get right to it; 20 Years After is NOT what you expect. Whoever distributed this film (I suppose it’s MTI Home Video) has done the same as 99% of the companies out there who are in their position, and I suppose I don’t blame them for wanting to maximize potential profits. However, I do not approve of their tactics in any way, and I dare to call them cowards for following through with the ‘misleading DVD cover art’ safety net that we see covering the shelves at the rental store, more-so in the horror/sci-fi section than any. In this case (no pun intended), it is not an example of the cover art misleading the consumer because it promises that the movie will be of a higher budget or be more visually impressive (example) when it definitely is not.

Someone has decided to dumb the movie down, pawning it off as something that is actually less than it is. ‘They’ should have the guts to admit, through honest advertising/descriptions of their products, they have something to offer it’s audience that it may not fully understand or accept, and there’s a good chance they may therefore come away disappointed by said product. However, attempting to fool the rental-store goer into picking up a flick because of false promises will only lead to further dislike and even unnecessary and unwarranted hatred of that film. (as can be seen by 20YA’s bashing on IMDB and other sites).

The graphic on the DVD case, the tag-line, the synopsis, and I’m guessing the original title of the film “Like Moles, Like Rats”, have all been augmented to suggest it’s actually a post-apocalyptic action-thriller that’s full of visual effects and content that might rival any number of films that pit man against man in a world that has crumbled to pieces because of war/plauge/natural disaster, and perhaps it is a film that is relies exclusively on this post-war setting. 20 Years After is anything but. As we’ve seen with the incredibly diverse multitude of locations within any given season of The Twilight Zone, and shows like Quantum Leap, the setting should never be the sole basis for a good story full of interesting characters. It’s the predicament or situation that the characters, whom you can hopefully relate to and care about, find themselves in that will draw emotion and therefore entertain an audience. And, of course, some twists and turns always help to raise the audiences eyebrows. Ron Harris and Jim Torres weave together such a story. One that is much larger than it’s small budget seems capable of delivering.

In relation to entertaining shlock, gobs of poor acting, horrid dialogue, shoddy visual effects, and buckets of blood and guts, which we who live on Planet B thoroughly enjoy, you’re gonna have to keep shopping cuz you won’t be finding any of that within the 0s and 1s contained on the shiny reflective surface of this DVD (how dramatic was that description??). What you will find is a tale of tragedy and hope set against an aura that can be best described as a Civil War-era mentality. You’ll find a bit of mystery and even a touch of magic in this film.

I recommend it for viewers who are keen on the likes of Joss Whedon, but more importantly, are mature enough to know that movies don’t have to have star-studded casts and budgets of millions to be thought-provoking and enchanting.

It’s not for everyone, but it was for me.

(P.S. as you can see below, I’ve given it no traditional Bisforbrains rating. This film doesn’t belong on a scale that’s meant to measure the multitude of boobs and bleeding livers you’re eyeballs are about to behold. But if you must know, I gave it 6 out of 10 on imdb.)

Buy it on amazon.com now!

Karate Cop is the most unlikely of sequels. One of the most blatantly bland excuses for an action move I’d ever seen somehow produces a semi-hilarious B action flick that I am extremely glad to have in my library? I would never have guessed.

The last cop on Earth, John Travis, is back for another go-round as an unlucky hero who clings to his former career, even though the rest of the planet has fallen to pieces and has become a world where only the strong survive. The young and the weak are prayed upon by thugs and gangsters, bent on controlling what’s left of the planet, and having as much sadistic fun as they can in the process. After an hilariously heroic introduction, Travis is tasked with protecting several dozen children, the last in a cityscape filled with dangerous gang lords who would quickly snap the neck of even the smallest child to satisfy their thirst for mayhem.

Their only hope of escaping this apocalyptic hell? A transporter, probably invented way back in the year 1999, that can instantaneously send them hundreds of miles away to safety. It’s up to our hero to collect the main element in the mechanism, a crystal shard used to focus a powerful beam of light into the transporter chamber. Travis must face off against religious fanatics, bombs, booby traps, uzis, AND David Carradine, who, of course, delivers an amazing performance as a disreputable Omega Bar Tender.

I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss the “you go ahead, I’ll catch up/martyr” scenario. The idea, as noble as it may be, is nearly always debunked by the following action: the fleeing hero who inevitably turns around 10-15 feet down the path and yells “don’t do this! we need you!”, or something of the like. Add this to the amount of time it takes the martyr to convince that person to go ahead without them, and you’ve easily eaten up a minute and a half that you could have both spent running for your lives.

John Travis may also be an Omega Poet and he didn’t even Omega Knowit, as he spouts out glorious one-liners such as “I knew things were going too well to be easy!” And, after dispatching a particularly nasty boss, Travis proclaims: “Assholes to ashes, dictators to dust.” Seeing that alone is worth the price of shipping and handling.

Karate Cop starts off the story with a bang, and for all it’s budgetary shortcomings, kept me glued to the screen. I was waiting for the next pure 90s one-liner, the next horribly out of focus camera shot, the next pathetically delivered line uttered by the lead actress, Carrie Chambers, who’s stunning film career is quite simply the stuff of legends. Her performance resembles a high school play actor, putting on a lively portrayal of a middle school play actor.

The film is enhanced with a glorious B synth score, the likes of which I haven’t heard since the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon series. Boss battles, futuristic technology, trucker hats, magical crystals, slave girls, dirt bikes (back when they were the shit), executions, explosions, muscles, mohawks, faithful canine companions, and boatloads of heroic deeds make Karate Cop one of my favorite films that I’ve reviewed.

Is it a good movie? hell naw. Is it worth a measily 2 bucks? You’ll feel like you’ve gotten away with murder.

THE CHAMPION: A giant Mad Max-style gladiator.
DVD MENU: As 90s as they come.
JACK RABBIT STEW: Travis knows better.

BUY IT…THAT’S AN ORDER!

If there is one movie genre that never ceases to amaze me with sheer stupidity, it is not B-Horror…it is B-Action. Something about the muscle bound pretty boys like Jean Cleade Van Damme and the painfully persistent Steven Seagal running around killing hooligan after hooligan of multi-millionaire drug-lord after multi-millionaire drug-lord drives me bonkers. Maybe it’s just me. But one good thing came out of this relentless stream of nonsense, and that is the nearly perfect B-Action Spinoff Lethal Force.

So unlike many of my other recent reviews where I begin trash talking in the second paragraph, I am instead going to start giggling like a little school boy as I attempt to express just how bad-fucking-ass Lethal Force really is. First and foremost, The plot is perfect for an action flick: Good guy must kill bad guy, with plenty of interesting and humorous subplots along the way. The picture quality and overall color scheme is straight out of the late 80’s/early 90’s. The music fits every scene to a T, ranging from cheesy single note hits on the synthesizer, touching piano, to all out Spy-Hunter style bass driven rock. And to top it all off, it’s all wrapped nicely in hand painted cover art. Yessums.

The characters throughout Lethal Force are all unique, memorable, and get plenty of time in the spotlight. The main characters Jack and Savitch (played by Frank Prather and Cash Flagg Jr, respectively) are definitely the film’s main highlights, but there are plenty of sweet and silly bad guys decked out in cheesy 80’s Miami Vice style suits to keep things lively. The coolest bad guys would most definitely have to be the black suit and tie wearing martial arts maniacs with the ghostly white masks. Once these guys are on the screen you know you are in for a treat!

Really there isn’t anything negative to say about Lethal Force. The action is tight, the acting is cheesy, and it had us laughing from start to finish. All I hope is that Sir Alvin D. Ecarma will enlighten us with another no-holds-B-arred action extravaganza such as this!

In fact, it’s soooooooo good, if you watch Lethal Force and don’t have a BLAST you might as well never visit bisforbrains.com again…because we sure as hell ain’t gonna get along. A+++

P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S.: A definite rewind moment!
‘NAM: Just when you thought it reached its peak.
EVERYTHING: The model B-Action movie.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

As I looked over the horribly designed Omega Cop cover (not the one you see here), I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Adam West was going to help keep me entertained for the next hour and a half in a film that, for the first time since I can remember, I actually wished I was watching on VHS and not DVD.

I was extremely hopeful that Omega Cop was going to rock serious shlock because we find out very quickly that our lead, martial artist Ron Marchini, A: can’t act for crap, B: is named Travis (an action hero named Travis!), C: digs 60s surfer music. Couple that with the title flashing across the screen atop a freeze frame of Marchini, accompanied by a synthesized kick to the ears, and you’ve got yourself a true recipe for B-saster.

As the story goes, Travis is one of the last cops living in a desolate, polluted future, hence the title. He is accompanied by several of the toughest lookin future Cops you’ll ever see… for less than 10 minutes. Early on, Travis’ entire company is wiped out because, well, because his plan for getting the jump on an Omega Brothel and it’s 45 armed guards is to leap onto a stage in front of everyone and fire his gun into the air. Somehow that doesn’t seem to pan out, as the bloodthirsty Omega Thugs surround Travis’ entire crew by… erm… standing completely still.

I quickly realized that this is Travis’ only form of attack. I have a feeling the famous nursery rhyme would not have become so, had it actually gone; “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped straight on top of the candle stick and burned to death cuz he’s an Omega Idiot.”

From this point on, Travis is on a devoted and passionate mission to track down the men who killed his… wait… no, Travis tries his best to return to his home base and…. no… Travis… kinda… kinda drives around from place to place encountering and then rescuing young women making sure that he doesn’t discover new things or learn new lessons along the way. He does run a lot though, in boots!. And that’s got to count for something.

Here’s an example of our hero’s cunning and as-yet unheralded stealth abilities: while driving down the deserted roads of Omega City in his Omega Jeep, he spies some thugs that could potentially lead him to the enemy hideout. Naturally, he instantly engages in silent pursuit tactics and tracks the would be fools for what seems like several miles on foot, er.. in boots. Then, just as the group begins to grow weary of being completely unaware of him, he springs a surprise attack that I’m sure will be talked about for at least 4 millennia. He runs up behind them and goes “hey!”.

Needless to say, the man we’re supposed to cheer for never does anything clever, let alone mildly intelligent. He simply progresses from one encounter with Stranded 80s Omega Chicks to another. All the while he volleys playful banter with his stubborn boss back in the bunker, Adam West (over his Omega CB).

The movie is filled with awesomely moronic badness and a great synth soundtrack. The performances in Omega Cop are as uninspired as they can be. Rarely is a movie so absolutely loaded with such an unending supply of extras that simply read their lines seconds before the director says “action”.

Omega Cop is the perfect movie for anyone who wants to know why Die Hard, Commando, and The Running Man are so fantastic.

CHASES: Sequences that rival turtle races.
ADAM WEST: <–Look over there at that name!
PRICE: One dollar at Wal-Mart… beat THAT.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.”

Our heros, Ace Evens and Rex Armstrong, have just caught the infamous Brazzo Brothers and are transporting them to jail via airplane. While in transit, aliens accidentally crash their saucer into the plane. Makes sense. If intelligent beings are able to transverse vast distances through space – navigating planetary systems, gravity wells, intergalactic debris, and the occasional comet – I could see how the logistics of dodging a twin-prop could prove tricky to them. Anyway, these ’strangers’ choose to capitalize on their misfortune and continue on with their diabolical schemes. They infiltrate a Uni-Cola™ bottling plant, where the very popular Health Cola™ is produced. Needing help to recover the ultra-secret Health Cola™ formula (that, of course, is on microfilm), the aliens spare, then enlist, the Brazzo Brothers. Will Ace and Rex be able to stop the ’strangers’ before they can complete their evil plans? (Imagine that last sentence, in a squiggly font, flying toward you from the computer screen. Maybe add in a bum-bum buuummmm instrumental)

Here is an example of a b-movie done right. First of all, it had a miniscule budget and definitely made the most out of it. The production crew was composed of college students from the University of Memphis who were promised course credit for their time and efforts (btb, you might be wondering what the kids learned during their time on set. In one interview, a grip explained that he had learned how to “procure” equipment for the film without anyone knowing). Not having to dish out Sacagawea to the production crew – or for equipment… apparently – left enough in the coffers for an exquisite stop motion fight scene reminiscent of Ray Harryhausen. Penczner was also able to add in a few keen mattes and some cheesy special effects (I think some of which were added by Flashframe Films for the 2005 release).

If you’re going to make a film set in the 1950’s, completely black and white, about diabolical aliens, then what is the perfect background music? Why, synthesized hip-hop loops, of course! I couldn’t stop chuckling the first time I watched the movie (and I have a feeling this, too, was added in after the 1982 release). It has a definite “what?!” factor that I thought was hilarious. It does, however, get annoying… and fast. After the third time I watched the movie, I seriously considered slamming my scrotum in a sliding glass door to get the damn tune out of my head!

This movie is classified as a comedy in Internet Movie Database, but I hesitate to do so here. I’m not trying to say “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” takes itself seriously… far from it. Any movie that features a bullet-proof pocket protector, an alien yelling at a cat, and an ultra-secret formula for cola that consists of ingredients like: cocoa, peanut butter, soy sauce, and fizzalator extract, can hardly be considered a greek tragedy. I just feel that the film was intended to fit more in a sci-fi classification than that of a comedy.

Despite a few shortcomings (like occasional manic editing), this movie is definitely worth your time.

Additional item: the doctor character, Frank Kaufman – played by Alan Zellner, looks just like young George Lucas! I hope he milked that for all it was worth back in 1982!

(For some reason, as of this post, Alan Zellner – who, to my knowledge hasn’t done anything since “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” (1982) - has dropped 45% on the STARmeter from last week… I’m pullin’ for you, Alan Zellner!)

ZNAMES: Zelt the Zbeast and ZomBall… need I say more.
STOP MOTION: Harryhausen-esk animation – Always a treat.
FIZZALATOR EXTRACT: Say it! Now, don’t you feel better?

Don’t buy it now at amazon.com

After four absolute-DUD reviews in a row (The Roost, Cult, Serum & Doomed) I had my fingers crossed that Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe would be a step in the right direction. Hell, it seemed that ANYTHING would be better than all of those atrocities combined…But I was let down once again. Ultra-big-time-SSSSIIIIGGHH.

In a bleak 2210, humans have spread themselves throughout most of the universe. Think of it as Manifest Destiny to the 10th power. However, the mass colonization of other worlds hasn’t exactly been all wine and roses. It turns out the humdrum-homosapians are outnumbered by various breeds of boring-bloodsucking vampires!

That’s where the V-San (Vampire-Sanitation) unit comes in to play! The V-San is an Aliens ripoff crew of ragtags that spends more time whining than a group of jealous teenage girls camped outside Fall Out Boy’s tour bus. The V-San crew consists of Damian, who initially doesn’t have the ambition to be a part of the team, Rosa, who holds a major grudge against the voluptuous-vamp Quintana, and the obligatory cowboy, Roman, who is the movie’s only attempt at comedic relief. The group is led by hard-ass Churchill (played by Joe Lando), but when a mission goes sour he quickly becomes vampire sushi. By default, wishy-washy Damian is then ranked as Team Captain…and his crew doesn’t appreciate it one eency-weency bit. Actually, I wouldn’t appreciate it either! This guy is the least commanding, indecisive pretty boy in the galaxy! Don’t get me wrong, being soft and compassionate is an admirable quality. BUT, to lead a group of vampire hunting space soldiers requires some muthafuckin’ GUSTO! Sadly, it isn’t just Damian that is lacking: It is also the vampires, plot, action and soundtrack. Ultra-big-time-SSSSIIIGGGGH-redux.

For as much time as the makeup department put into the baddies in Vampire Wars it seems as though they would at least be scary…maybe not frightening, but at least scary. Though, as we at bisforbrains.com know well: Good production quality does NOT make for a good movie. Many of the vampires in this movie look fantastic. The makeup on the Nosferati, which are similar to the creepiest vampire in history, is outstanding for a low budget flick such as this. But they aren’t the least bit scary. All they do is grunt and clumsily lunge at their prey. Even Michael Ironside can’t manage to bring a single chill to the screen. He just enunciates a few things better than the rest and leaves about as quickly as you can say “Hey Michael Ironside is in…”

The set designs and special effects are incredible for the most part considering the budget and nature of this beast. Even the cinematography is impressive, handled splendidly by seasoned-veteran Eric J. Goldstein. However, all this sweet candy-coating contains absolutely zero substance. As darfnader noted, it took precisely forty-seven (47) minutes for the movie to actually give ANY sort of back story on the characters! After that little splice of exposition, it really doesn’t reveal much save for a few small scenes. And considering none of the characters die in any shocking or remarkable ways, it’s basically nothing but a 99 minute space-age bitch fest with a few battle scenes sprinkled on top.

Also, I am afraid I cannot let this review go online without mentioning the UN.BEAR.A.BLE soundtrack. I have no idea how they chose the music for Vampire Wars, but whoever gave the final approval should never be allowed to work in the horror or sci-fi genres again. There are at least 3 major scenes in the movie with some trendy, sappy emo garbage playing in the background, absolutely ruining all of the sweet set designs and honest attempts at acting. Imagine staring at your favorite painting while someone behind you bangs a bunch of pots and pans together…That’s how Vampire Wars feels.

Luckily, there was one moment in VW that was so unintentionally hilarious I nearly vomited from extreme laughter. At one point, the V-San Unit encounters a Slither-esque parasite-form of vampire. One of the lil’ buggers bursts out of some poor sap’s chest, and begins talking in a voice reminiscent of Lamb Chop’s Play Along!!! This is NOT an exaggeration. It is so outlandish and absurd I can’t help but give this movie a few extra props for that small scene alone!

To drive a stake through the heart of this review: Be glad we watched Vampire Wars so you don’t have to. Just doin’ our job…feel free to e-mail your thanks and appreciation letters to bd@corporatedemon.com.

QUINTANA: My type of gal…visually.
PARASITE-PUPPET: If you watch it…Fast forward to this!
PRODUCTION: Too bad it wasn’t for something worth while.

Sadly, you can actually buy this at Amazon.com

Nearly every time I sit down to write a new breview I get rather self–conscious and honestly a little nervous. I worry about my grammar, spelling, intro, body and conclusion. I worry about what I should focus on, what I should leave out, and what I want the end reader to “take home” with them after investing the time to read my literary effort…

But not this time. This time I’m not worried about a single thing. I am confident in knowing that I can casually spew out ANYTHING and it will have a superior thought process than Doomed.

Here’s the script: Drop 10 criminals on an island. Divide them into 5 teams. Whatever team makes it to the other side of the island first gets a full pardon and a load of cash. And like, since they are crooks and murderers and stuffs they aren’t going to be happy with each other at all! So it’s going to be really dramatic and intense! And CRIPES, there are zommies on the island too!

Apparently, that’s all this production crew thought they needed, and boy does it show. The dialog consists of characters swearing at each other. The action sequences consist of a few quick edits of some shaky handheld camera work. The zombies consist of some groaning and uninspired makeup. The gore consists of…um…a shot of a knife sticking out of someone’s back. On top of it all, the editor attempts to hide the complete lack of EVERYTHING with flashy Mortal Kombat style point displays and cheesy ready-made video filters.

On that note, there are a couple of “visual effects” in Doomed that are so pathetically wonderful they MUST be mentioned…

Effect 1: At several points in the movie, the camera “commences infrared” to show what is happening in the dark. Only it is not infrared, it is actually night vision. There is a difference. Any 9 year old boy that plays with GI-Joes can tell you that. BUT…It isn’t even actual night vision! It is only a green tint added to the regular daytime video footage! As retched as this is, it does provide for a hilarious scene where the actors are REALLY trying to look as if they are cautiously wandering through the “darkness.”

Effect 2: Throughout the movie there are few little TV show style cut-scenes that detail the “progress” of the teams. During these clips, the host of the show comes in on a terribly rendered TV screen. For the most part this effect is forgivable because it looks like the rushed graphics you would see on your local nightly news. HOWEVER, at the end of the movie, this exact same TV screen drops from the ceiling as if it is actually REAL!!! Words can’t explain this atrocity, so here’s a little screen-grab to get the point across.

These particular moments are definitely of the “so bad they are good” type. Unfortunately, nearly everything else in Doomed is just flat-out bad in the worst way. The way that makes me wonder how people out there are getting paid to make garbage such as this, and I’m worried about how I’m going to pay my rent next month…*tear*

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand that a low-budget movie such as this isn’t going to have spectacular special effects. That’s one of things that makes this genre so special! What I CANNOT understand is how people can throw a bunch of CG special effects into a movie that doesn’t even need them. Doomed would have been infinitely better if the filmmakers would have put their effort into character development, cool zombies and practical special effects rather than hackneyed post-production fluff.

To sum things up, I’m severely disappointed. The trailer makes Doomed out to be an over the top zombie-action fest. Also, the back of the DVD case touts that it is a “Combination of ‘Lost’ meets ‘Survivor’ with a touch of ‘The Amazing Race.’” From this little blurb I figured that Doomed would be a parody of modern reality TV, perhaps with some sweet social commentary such as the legendary Death Race 2000. Oh how I was I mistaken. Doomed is not intelligent enough to comment on anything. In fact, it seems that the entire movie was made to cash in on the success of the shows that it mentions on the cover. To make matters worse I’m sure this tactic is going to prove successful. I can only hope that some people out there will read this breview before they waste their time and money.

I’m going to give this a few extra points for some of the head-shaking laughs it gave me. But do yourself a favor and avoid Doomed like you would avoid the zombies from any other zombie movie except for Doomed.

A FEW LAUGHS?: Just because it’s so awful.
…?: …
…?: Nope, still can’t think of any.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

This gem of a B-dazzling B-movie is initially a re-hash of classics much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A group of travelers is welcomed into a freaky slasher country-house by a seemingly benign granny lady. Once they’re sufficiently deep within the crazy-pit all hell breaks loose and the weirdies come out of the woodwork slashing, biting, and.. plate-throwing?

Yes, you heard right. There is a character in this movie named Plates. He is so aptly named because of a unique ability to buff and launch his porcelain discs at high velocities. Plates is played by the science-fiction and horror veteran Warwick Davis, the only actual actor in the film that has been in a movie anyone on the planet is familiar with, not that that is a prerequisite to being in a B movie by any means. This silly, nonsensical little lunatic is one of several enjoyable and unique characters littered throughout Skinned Deep.

Although the film has another character named Brain, who has a head the size of a german shepherd, the film does not actually show signs of any brains. Aside from possessing a grade of acting that is obscenely far below B, probably something like negative pound sign, the characters mental capacities are what brings this film down. Now, horror films require that their victims are sometimes dumb. In general, the hero is the only one who has any signs of cells upstairs. Skinned Deep contains dozens of mindless walking lumps of gore-potential. These people are beyond idiotic, beyond illogical, and beyond all reason. When first welcomed into the dining room of their future murderers, they are presented with a character who is wearing, on top of goggles and a pair of metal chompers resembling a cartoon bear trap, the amputated face of his previous victim. If you can’t imagine how absurd this looks, picture a person with a watermelon over their head and a picture of Mr. Miyagi taped to it.

Our travelers buy this “disguise” at close proximity hook, line, and sinker. The empty-headed, gum-chewing mother even appears to fancy him. This is one of the many instances where quickly paced and disorienting editing, as well as feeble attempts at humor, must be used to cover up glaring situational, story, and blocking oversights. Also, the writers must have prayed that baboons would be the only audience seeing this movie because only baboons would believe that a person who is handed a pound and a half of raw meat on a strip of craft paper by complete strangers would gladly accept it as he would a sirloin on fine china.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this film experience. At certain points, this movie seems to be right on target with it’s over-the-top, random humor. SMALL SPOILER! During a battle sequence near the film’s end, senior citizens who have been planted with bombs are being blown up one by one. One of the elderly fellows witnesses the destruction of his best friend’s head. We then witness a CG zoom that passes through his rib cage and into his chest cavity where we are treated to the inexplicable explosion, we’re talkin’ Death Star-style, of his heart. SPOILER OVER! This type of comedic, scream-out-loud brilliance is randomly peppered throughout the film. The gore is great, as are several of the computer generated effects (not so much the exploding heart shot…). Head and limb removal shots are particularly good.

I have to say, despite all of it’s logic-defying flaws, and mind-numbing performances, Skinned Deep holds a special place in my heart. It managed to show me at least half a dozen gore-tastic things that this B-reviewer would never have even conceived of, and my hat is therefore off. But, I wouldn’t dream of spoiling any of them for you. And, as an added bonus, the end credits caused such an agonizing array of emotions inside me that I couldn’t begin to relay it with words.

For loads of screenshots, gather up the dim-witted family and head over here.

BATTLE ROYALE: The legend that is: Shakes vs Plates!!!
NUDITY: The best kind, the kind that gets people arrested.
EXECUTIONS: Death by sand? Believe it… Or don’t.

Buy it now on amazon.com!

I used to hate clowns beyond reason. I was so terrified of their unnaturally white faces and constant grins there was no possible way my parents could ever take me to the circus (which is fine by me at this point, I refuse to support circuses and zoos. Animals aren’t here for human entertainment people!). It wasn’t until I forced myself to watch Killer Klowns From Outer Space as an early teen that I was able to break myself of this fear. Yeah. Laugh at me all you want, just stating the facts.

So when I picked up Fear of Clowns, I was expecting a similar goofy, tongue in cheek flick with plenty of crazy clown antics. Instead, what I got was a serious, original thriller about one artist’s extreme coulrophobia.

Lynn is an intelligent, self-sustained artist that does highly acclaimed clown paintings for a living. She’s currently going through a brutal divorce with a total pencil-thin mustache douche-bag. When she begins housesitting for a friend, people in the neighborhood begin dying left and right. To make things worse, she keeps seeing a creepy clown around town (yeah, I did that on purpose), causing the police to think she is pulling some kind of publicity stunt. It isn’t until she meets a suave-overly-rich-hunk, sells her most expensive painting and is offered a 20 grand commission piece that things seem to look up for her…until the killings turn from random neighbors to her closest friends.

The story is really what makes Fear of Clowns shine. Granted, it’s not perfect, but it creates a suitably dark atmosphere that had me genuinely intrigued and trying to figure out what would happen next. At first, I was afraid that it was going to turn into just another tale of split-personalities, with Lynn herself being the true killer. Thankfully, I was dead wrong. The story is far beyond this now cliche plot-twist. To lighten the mood, the homicide detective played by Frank Lama makes for a fantastic comic relief. His gum-smacking wise-guy persona steals the screen every time, I hope to see more of him in the future. The lead performance by Jacky Reres is damn impressive, there were only a few minor moments with her that caused my eyes to role.

One person I really have to give props to on the crew of Fear of Clowns is Chad Seiter. His original score is absolutely haunting. Just listening to the opening credits sends chills up my spine. Unfortunately, it seems as if the editors knew how good the music was and therefore turned the music up a little too loud in certain areas, causing it to distract from some of the dialog.

If you’re looking for gore, Fear of Clowns is not the choice for you. In fact, whenever someone dies you hardly ever see the actual death. The fear comes solely from the muscle-bound titan of a villain, Shivers the Clown. They couldn’t have found a better person than Mark Lassise to play Shivers. He truly is a sight to behold, especially with those glossy shark-like eyes. Not to mention he wields his battle-axe (that’s right, BATTLE-AXE) with a barbarian’s charisma.

In the end, the only thing that truly bugs me about Fear of Clowns is that it’s just too damn long. If some of the extra fat were to be shaved off, I would have given this the highest possible rating. Don’t let this deter you from watching it though. As long as you don’t watch it in hopes of a gore-filled-circus-freak-laugh-fest you won’t be disappointed!

“That’s the biggest fucking clown I’ve ever seen!” – Detective Peters.

STORYLINE: Much deeper than you would expect.
DETECTIVE PETERS: I love this guy!
SHIVERS THE CLOWN: A Grease-Paint Goliath!

Buy it now on amazon.com!

YYYESSS. Ohhhhh yes bloody yesss. Immediately after watching the nearly unbearable bore-fest that is Beyond The Wall of Sleep (which I’m not looking forward to reviewing), I had the pleasure of viewing Cemetery Gates. I rented it on the sole basis that it starred Reggie Bannister, who plays one of my most favorite characters of all time in the spectacular Phantasm & its sequels. Little did I know that I was going to get a no-holds-barred splatteriffic creature flick with a relentless sense of humor!

A couple of animal rights activists break into a research facility to liberate a poor tasmanian devil from experimentation. The problem is, it’s not your furry little maniac you saw on Animal Planet…It’s a giant genetically enhanced SLIMY maniac…aptly named “Precious!” After it massacres the two buffoons that set it free, the bad-beast is free to wreak havoc in the woods where a group of kids are conveniently making a low-budget zombie film.

The movie crew is the most cliche of all possible groups, and I say that lovingly. Let’s get out the checklist…Nerdy introverted “let’s get down to business” male: check. Equally intelligent “I’m intrigued by this nerdy guy” female: check. Smart ass “I’m the coolest fuckin’ guy ever” idiot with always-agreeing stoner counterpart: check. Blonde “I must flaunt my body at every possible occasion” bimbo: check. And besides the film makers, Reggie’s character is always a blast on screen. Overall, the character ingredients are all there for a good time, and the movie never misses any opportunities at exploiting each of their personalities.

Now the characters might make for a good time, but what about the rest? Well good news B-Movie fans, this movie has it all! The acting is a constant laugh in the best possible way. Gallons upon gallons of blood SPRAY across the screen with every fabulous kill. Rubbery severed limbs casually…”flop” into frame. The monster stumbles around as if it just took a few shots of whiskey. Random, and boy do I mean RANDOM additional characters are periodically introduced for the SOLE-PURPOSE of dying. And last but not least: shameless, crimson-coated nudity! All of this is carried along with joke after side-splitting joke. What more could you ask for? Oh, you want to see the crappy monster get pissed on? Ok, no problemo!

I’m pretty surprised about the production quality of Cemetery Gates as well. The picture quality is superb, but it probably helps that most of it takes place outside in broad daylight. This only adds to the ridiculous level the gore reaches, there’s not even darkness to hide the waterfalls of blood this movie presents! I’ll definitely be looking forward to seeing what this crew does in the future.

So there you have it B-Buddies, rent or buy this puppy as soon as possible!!!

BUCKETS OF BLOOD: Does it EVER STOP?? Haha!
PRECIOUS: Can we keep him mommy?
HUMOR: Your face will be in pain!