Author Archive
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus
Director: Jack Perez
Written by: also Jack Perez
Runtime: 90 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Production Company: The Asylum
Watch it now on Netflix Streaming!
Another exploitation film from The Asylum, the studio that has brought us dozens of pop-culture rip-offs including Transmorphers (breview coming soon), The Terminators, and The Day Earth Stopped, MS vs GO is a fairly worthy entry into the giant-monster flick genre. Unfortunately, the movie as a whole obviously can’t cash the checks written by the box art.
20 Years After (AKA Like Moles Like Rats)
Director: Jim Torres
Co-written by: Ron Harris
Runtime: 95 mins
Country: USA
Language: English
Certification: USA:R
Although this movie isn’t want we want to review on this website (found here!), I feel I must give it some attention for those who may be online, quickly searching for a review or two before they pick it up off the store shelves. Plus.. you know… I watched the thing the under the same false B-tenses that you might also easily succumb to.
So let’s get right to it; 20 Years After is NOT what you expect. Whoever distributed this film (I suppose it’s MTI Home Video) has done the same as 99% of the companies out there who are in their position Read the rest of this entry »
Dangerous Worry Dolls
Director: Charles Band
Studio: Wizard Full Moon
Runtime: 80 min
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1
Country: USA
Certification: Unrated
From prolific horror director Charles Band, comes the tale of yet another creepy gaggle of B-monic dolls. Dangerous Worry Dolls is an entertaining look at what can happen when you don’t take voodoo seriously. It’s a cheap flick with below average acting, some slow parts, some gory parts, and some gratuitous nudity. In other words, it fits the bill of “B-movie” almost perfectly.
The story follows a girl named Eva who has, until now, lead a less than savory life and has therefore ended up in the clink. She has to deal with constant assault by her fellow attractive inmates and the seemingly independent staff who fully exploit the power they have over the girls, from the Warden on down. Read the rest of this entry »
Karate Cop (AKA Omega Cop II)
Director: Alan Roberts
Runtime: 91 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA:R
Karate Cop is the most unlikely of sequels. One of the most blatantly bland excuses for an action move I’d ever seen somehow produces a semi-hilarious B action flick that I am extremely glad to have in my library? I would never have guessed.
The last cop on Earth, John Travis, is back for another go-round as an unlucky hero who clings to his former career, even though the rest of the planet has fallen to pieces and has become a world where only the strong survive. The young and the weak are prayed upon by thugs and gangsters, bent on controlling what’s left of the planet, and having as much sadistic fun as they can in the process. After an hilariously heroic introduction, Travis is tasked with protecting several dozen children, the last in a cityscape filled with dangerous Read the rest of this entry »
Hallowed Ground
Director: David Benullo
Runtime: 83 min
Language: English
Color: Color
Format: 1.85:1
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital 5.1
Certification: USA:NR
Genius Products, the guys who helped bring us Quentin Tarantino’s Deathproof, had a hand in producing this very finished, but incredibly bland, direct-to dvd supernatural horror/thriller. I pulled HG off of the shelf based solely upon the tagline on the box, “You can’t bury terror.” I don’t know if they have a Pulitzer offshoot category for ‘most amazingly nonsensical quote that somehow does it’s job in getting people to rent a movie’, but whoever managed to force that nugget from the right side of their brain should take it home for 2007.
Hallowed Ground takes place in a tiny rural town that is somehow fully functional and yet consists of less than 30 people. Our heroin, Liz, played by Jaimie Alexander, Read the rest of this entry »
Omega Cop
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Runtime: 90 min
Language: English
Color: Color
Format: Full Frame
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: USA:NR
As I looked over the horribly designed Omega Cop cover (not the one you see here), I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Adam West was going to help keep me entertained for the next hour and a half in a film that, for the first time since I can remember, I actually wished I was watching on VHS and not DVD.
I was extremely hopeful that Omega Cop was going to rock serious shlock because we find out very quickly that our lead, martial artist Ron Marchini, A: can’t act for crap, B: is named Travis (an action hero named Travis!), C: digs 60s surfer music. Couple that with the title flashing across the screen atop a freeze frame of Marchini, accompanied by a synthesized kick to the ears, and you’ve got yourself a true recipe for B-saster. Read the rest of this entry »
House of the Dead 2
Director: Michael Hurst
Runtime: 95 minutes
Country: USA
Color: Color
Audio: 5.1 and 2.0 surround
Studio: Lions Gate
Certification: R
Myself and corporatedemon have both passed on (the very idea of) House of the Dead 2 a minimum of 15 times. We passed on the sequel for fear of an overdose of nonsense, monotony, homemade bullet-time, and of course, video-game footage. Instead, HotD2 delivers a multitude of cleverly misleading character introductions/zombie scenarios, loads of uncompromising gore, and even a zombie football team (complete with flesh-hungry cheerleaders)!
The story revolves around a college campus that has been overrun by the newer and highly popular breakneck speed zombies (which in the film are referred to as hyper-sapiens). Influenced heavily by James Cameron’s Aliens Read the rest of this entry »
Tower of Blood
Director: Corbin Timbrook
Runtime: 80 mins (minus twenty for the uninspired opening and ending credits, yaaaaawn)
Language: English
Color: Color
Aspect Ratio: 4×3 (menu-16×9, go figure)
Certification: R
A dvd menu of the cheapest quality imaginable. A poorly photoshoped image of a killer with dreadlocks. The play button is pressed. Fade to black… “But his mother said to him, ‘Your curse be on me, my son, only obey my voice and go, get them for me.’ – Genesis 27:13″ …needless to say, I was already in stitches. After more than 5 and a half minutes of credits, ToB pushes on to become an up & down thriller/slasher that is about as unique and original as a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette.
Let’s get into the plot of Tower of Blood. The story involves a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette… Read the rest of this entry »
Octopus 2
Director: Yossi Wein
Runtime: 94 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: 5.1 Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:R (but don’t ask me why)
Octopus 2 is a rather misleading monster-shlock. After reviewing the B-lariously awesome Octopus I confidently picked Octopus 2 out of the lineup of hack-jobs and Aliens / Predator / Abyss / Terminator amalgamations. However, much like the opening 20 minutes of the original Octopus, I found myself watching instead of pointing and laughing.
The major difference between the two movies is that this lack of giggles and guffaws never came to an end with ‘pus 2. Even though the story is much simpler in ‘pus 2, where we follow Nick, a member of New York’s scuba police squad, as he tries to make sense of a mysterious drowning / murder, this movie throws so much Read the rest of this entry »
I Was A Zombie For The FBI
Director: Marius Penczner
Runtime: 105 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: UK: 12
Buy it now on amazon.com!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” Read the rest of this entry »
