Director: Lucky McKee
Runtime: 91 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: USA: R

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The year is 1965, and somewhere in New England Heather Fasulo (Agnes Bruckner) has just set fire to a tree. And why the hell not? Those cocky piles of chimney fuel just stand around thinking they’re better then everyone. It seems sensible that we should torch flora occasionally as a reminder that they’re nothing more than CO2 scrubbers for my H3, damn it. Apparently, Heather’s parents feel otherwise. Deciding that she’s a troubled teen, they do what any loving and caring parents would when faced with a problem child: they drive into the woods and pawn her off. Her painfully silent father (Bruce Campbell), and his harpy of a wife, abandon Heather at the ill-maintained Falburn Academy. The eerily austere faculty immediately take an unsettling interest in the girl, almost completely ignoring her parents. The headmistress, Ms. Traverse (Patricia Clarkson), believes Heather to be gifted, and she accepts her into the boarding school on a scholarship. Soon after being admitted, it becomes evident that something sinister is afoot. Heather begins to hear voices and have weird premonitions all the while coping with an uncaring, socialite mother, a nonexistent father, creepy, ill-tempered instructors, and cute, bitchy adolescents. What is a girl to do? If you answered, “have random, unnecessary, and sexy pillow fights”, then this is not the movie for you.

The suspense is handled rather well in The Woods. Unfortunately, most of the anxiety comes from wondering if Bruce Campbell will reappear on screen after his initial 3 minute, silent cameo. I’m going to be honest. The only reason that this flick appealed to me in the first place, was that his name was prominently displayed on the cover art. I didn’t know what exactly to expect, but I’d be lying if I said that the wise-cracking, blood drenched, chainsaw wielding Ash didn’t come to mind. As the movie progressed it was slightly tainted by my “they got me to watch this under false pretenses” mentality. Bruce does eventually return, and all is right in the world again…

There are bright spots in the assortment of characters. Patricia Clarkson does a wonderful job as the ominous and reserved headmistress. Agnes Bruckner is okay. And Rachel Nichols, well… she’s frickin’ HOT! Her character is uncomfortable to watch because she’s unnatural and deliberate (in her defense, that’s exactly how she should have played the character)–which wouldn’t have stuck out so much if everyone else wasn’t trying desperately to be so serious. Ultimately, I could care less because I was starring at her so hard that somewhere in Hollywood chills probably ran down her spine. Add one twitchy instructor, some Bruce Campbell, and you have a rather tasty ensemble.

Since it is set in an all girl boarding school, I have to commend the film for not stooping to unnecessary nudity or sex. In fact, neither are in The Woods. I’ve always felt that it’s more of a distraction than anything. I’ll buy that it instills a sense of vulnerability into the viewer, but that’s about it. Nudity doesn’t enhance the terror or add any dimension to a character–am I suppose to feel worse that this person has just died because I’ve seen her boobies? I applaud McKee for sticking to the point. because lord knows that I wouldn’t have. I would’ve assured the girls that the nudity was essential to the development of their characters, and, were they to not do the scene, it would be detrimental to the film. So, suck it up and strip. Then they ask me where the cameras are, cue the police, and I’m no longer allowed to make “movies”.

The bottom line is this: The plot is ridiculous and has a definite “gu-waah?” factor that has B-movie written all over it. The film, however, tries like hell to be a stone cold horror/mystery–ruining any potential this film had at being Reypenaer (that’s good cheese!). There are good things about the film, though. The dubbed background noises consisting of girls narrating all their thoughts and actions are rather funny–I guess none of the girls have an inner monologue, so it just spews from them like they have turrets. Gore is scarce for most of the movie so when you finally get a taste, it’s pleasantly satisfying. If you can manage to ignore how serious the movie tries to take itself, the climax is hillarious. SPOILER WARNING: Apparently, the recipe for trees possessing teens for no good reason is: step one - find girls with scout trees (Yep, scouts. Like universities use to recruit sports talent). Step two - have pre-possessed women make girls uncomfortable. Step three - mix in 1 part girl who can sing; 1 part girl that can stack the crap out of rocks; and 1 part random girl who’s just kinda there. And Voila! END SPOILER.

All in all, this film tries too hard and becomes vanilla. With less money and more cheese The Woods could have been b-eautiful!

CAT FIGHTS: Girls that throw haymakers… Meow!
CAST: Bruce Campbell wins this flick bonus points!
REYPENAER: Learning is fun.

One Response to “The Woods”

1. darfnader Says:
   February 27th, 2007 at 6:11 pm

   Welcome aboard, Dante! It’s good to have a simian’s point of view from time to time. We hope to have many more Breviews roll in from your neck of the woods.

   -cheers

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