Directed by: Roy Knyrim
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Region: Region 1
Aspect Ratio: 1.78:1
DVD Release Date: May 30, 2006
Run Time: 91 minutes

Buy it now on amazon.com!

YYYESSS. Ohhhhh yes bloody yesss. Immediately after watching the nearly unbearable bore-fest that is Beyond The Wall of Sleep (which I’m not looking forward to reviewing), I had the pleasure of viewing Cemetery Gates. I rented it on the sole basis that it starred Reggie Bannister, who plays one of my most favorite characters of all time in the spectacular Phantasm & its sequels. Little did I know that I was going to get a no-holds-barred splatteriffic creature flick with a relentless sense of humor!

A couple of animal rights activists break into a research facility to Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Josh Becker
Runtime: 88 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Certification: USA:TV-14

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Claiming to be the “highest rated (more ambiguity, please) sci-fi pictures original of all-time!”, Alien Apocalypse is an enjoyable and surprisingly expansive low-budget creature feature. It has strong influences from Planet of the Apes, having a nearly identical plot setup, and also some of the stronger themes found in Bruce Campbell’s most commercially successful film, Army of Darkness. Competently directed by Josh Becker, who has gained some acclaim for his no-nonsense filmmaking, it comes very close to rising out of it’s b-movie status, were it not for the cartoonily (so I just made it up… so what?) obvious voice-over work and periodic cheese-ball acting from the Bulgarian locals. Also, Sci-Fi pictures Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Julien Magnat
MPAA: Rated R for violence/gore and language.
Runtime: 94 min
Country: France / Spain
Language: French
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby Digital
Certification: France:-12 /
Switzerland:16 (canton of Geneva) /
Switzerland:16 (canton of Vaud) /
USA:R / Germany:16 /
Spain:13 / Italy:VM14

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Wow, was this a nice surprise. Imagine if Ultraviolet and BloodRayne would have actually developed some characters, given us some innovative scenarios, and didn’t take themselves so damn seriously and that’s exactly what you will get with the French film Bloody Mallory.

Olivia Bonamy (quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the history of the world) plays Bloody Mallory: a gun-toting, cigar-smoking, ass-kicking, Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Matt Busch
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color

Waist your money on it here!

I feel like my patience has just gone through the most painfully rigorous test imaginable.

For those not in-the-know, Conjure is a horror flick from the “Rock Star of Illustration,” Matt Busch. Even if you’ve never heard Busch’s name, you have more than likely seen his work on everything from Star Wars to The Crow to The Lord of The Rings. Being an artist myself, I truly admire his incredible talent and style. This movie on the other hand is an entirely different story.

The plot is a thrown-together (literally, watch the extras) cluster-fuck of mammoth proportions. Matt runs across an old photograph of a castle while wandering through a graveyard. It was “calling his name,” so he took it and decided to paint it. After beginning the painting, he and his foxy-wife-with-an-attitude, Sarah, begin to have strange Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Trey Parker
Runtime: 95 min / UK:97 min (video)
Country: USA
Language: English / Japanese
Color: Color
Certification: Canada:18A / UK:18 / USA:R

Buy the DVD on amazon.com!

(or the UMD for your PSP here)

Ignoring the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are now multi-millionaires and creators of one of the funniest television shows in history, not to mention Academy Award Nominees, this is my hopefully non-biased review of Cannibal! The Musical.

From the very opening you know you are in for a gory, campy ride. The titles are followed by a ditty about the actual “history” of this flick, and the explanation is capped by “The film’s violent scenes have been edited out for your viewing pleasure”. This is followed by a scene of extreme comedic violence and gore. We realize that this is only a flashback being told by a prosecuting attorney Read the rest of this entry »

Director: Chris Windsor
Runtime: 82 min
Country: Canada
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: Canada:PG (2005) / Canada:R (original rating)

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Welcome to Burquitlam and meet the pillar of society, local butcher, and all-around swell guy; Bob Sanderson. He will be our host as we take a slice of this small town and examine it over the course of a few short days. We get to know this town very quickly as we attend a town meeting where our lead, Bob, presents his ideas for a new universal language that will help simplify our lives and create unity throughout the world. Although filmed and set in the 80s, it’s clear that this movie’s era is the 1950s. Technological optimism, and an overly hopeful outlook on the future are a few of the running themes. The school children are even Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Steve Cuden
MPAA: Rated R for strong sexual content including aberrant behavior, violence and language.
Runtime: 83 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Certification: UK:18 / USA:R

Lucky is kind of like the weird kid that always sat in the back of the class who was never interested in talking to anyone because he was too busy drawing macabre images in his creepy black sketchbook. He wasn’t popular, not interested in being cool, and definitely wasn’t the life of the party. But if you gave him a chance and spent some time with him, you would find out that well…yeah he is out of his mind, but he also has a lot of worthwhile things to say. Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: BJ Davis
Also known as: Soldier of Fortune
MPAA: Rated R for violence and brief nudity.
Runtime: 84 min
Country: USA / Germany / South Africa
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Dolby
Certification: Australia:M / Germany:18 / USA:R

Buy it now on amazon.com!

With a title like “Laser Mission” that just screams campy sci-fi goodness, how can you possibly go wrong? Well, I guess if there aren’t any lasers it might kind of ruin things…and this movie has zero. However, the movie does have a mission: to make people like me laugh hysterically!

The plot of Laser Mission involves a stolen diamond, a kidnapped scientist, and a mercenary trying to retrieve both. At least I think that’s what just happened…on paper anyway. What really happened was some extended car chases, playground mentality gun fights, and round after round of Read the rest of this entry »

Directed by: Thierry Notz
Runtime: 90 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Stereo
Certification: Australia:M / UK:18 / USA:R

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I guess if someone produces hundreds and hundreds of movies it isn’t fair to assume that every single one is going to be great, or even decent. There’s bound to be a total flop in the mix at some point, and that my friend is the story of The Terror Within.

A plague has swept over mankind. A team of military scientists with modified brown thrift-store overalls (complete with id tags that list first, not last names) reside in an underground bunker. Apparently since they’re out in the middle of the Mojave desert where nobody would be anyway we’re supposed to get the feeling that they are some of the last remaining people on earth. On the surface are some vicious gargoyles…or uh…they’re actually mutated humans…No wait, they Read the rest of this entry »

Director: John Hayes
Runtime: UK:84 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Color
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: USA:R / UK:15

Buy something MUCH better here!

THE DEAD WILL RISE AGAIN…

…AND RIDE HORSES…

In a surrealistic horror setting, a young Preacher’s assistant goes mad and becomes lost in a fantasy of her own creation. The woman, Grace, creates a world in which her either dead or missing father is present, quite loving, and lives with her on a fabricated ranch. In her mind, Grace’s father will stop at nothing to protect his daughter’s best interests…. including murder. Stars academy award-winner Edmond O’Brien as Grace’s father.

That’s a quick summary of the plot and I dare not go in any further. In fact, the best thing i can say about this horrid piece of work is that the summary ends up sounding quite good. Avoid this movie like you would avoid a swarm of bees; if you see it on a store shelf run away screaming and flailing your arms… and then jump in a pond and use a straw to breath with until you pass out Read the rest of this entry »