| Bloody Mallory | June 18th, 2006 |
Buy it now on amazon.com! Olivia Bonamy (quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the history of the world) plays Bloody Mallory: a gun-toting, cigar-smoking, ass-kicking, pink-hearse-driving, cleavage-showing team-leader of an elite government task force that specializes in combating the paranormal. On her team are Vena Cava, a basketball player sized drag queen with electric blue hair and KISS-style platform boots, and Talking Tina, a cute little pig-tailed girl with impressively powerful telepathic abilities. After the Pope is kidnapped by some mysterious masked marauders, it’s up to them to retrieve him, and kick lots of evil-butt along the way! Obviously, most of the people that have reviewed Bloody Mallory on the ‘net just don’t “get it.” Just read the setup I’ve given above: How in the hell can you take this movie seriously? It’s apparent from the get-go that Bloody Mallory is going to be a tongue-in-cheek romp of cheesy action goodness, and at this level it never disappoints. In fact, it exceeds itself on many occasions, with some downright hilarious direct slams on the Pope and a genuinely intriguing subplot involving Mallory and her demon-lover. Also, the villains are as varied and enjoyable to watch as the heroes, making all the characters across the board memorable in their own unique ways. I understand that not everyone enjoys low-budget movies like I do, but to review Bloody Mallory as if it were the latest flick from Jerry Bruckheimer seems a little unfair, doesn’t it? Now back to the characters. Of course there is Mallory. Boy oh boy is there Mallory. Not only is she visually striking, but she is also fluid in her motions and has just the right attitude for a badass female lead (And when she fights her evil side, wow…that’s all I have to say). Also, Talking Tina has to be one of the coolest, most original characters I’ve seen in a horror flick in a long time! The Pope is a riot, with his over the top bigotry and delivery. Vena Cava has several shining moments and some fantastically-funny dialog with The Pope. Lady Valentine is damn good on every level. Morphine, one of the villainous creatures, has some outstanding movements and a pretty glorious transformation segment. Overall, the movie never has a dull moment simply because all of the characters are so entertaining to watch! At any rate, the only things that I didn’t really like about Bloody Mallory are that the Berzerker monster gets a pretty strong build-up, but never really pans out into anything amazing. Also, There is a really sweet anime-style bit towards the beginning that really had me excited. I’ve never seen a live action movie do anything like this, unfortunately it’s the only time it happens. It would have been amazing to see Mallory and Lady Valentine duke it out with some amazing anime effects, but alas there are none. Maybe in the sequel? Please Julien make the sequel! SPOILER WARNING: Lastly, the climax is pretty weak, involving Mallory eating a 10,000 year old prophecy and bitch-slapping the Pope down a flight of stairs END SPOILER. Don’t get me wrong though, none of this really matters in the long run, because Bloody Mallory is a rockin-satanic-cyberpunk-vampire-zombie-laugh-fest from start to finish. B-Movie fans, do yourself a favor and rent this bad bitch now! I, on the other hand, intend to buy it! MEMORABLE MOMENTS:
Posted by corporatedemon in Breviews, Horror, Sci-Fi, Action, Bestest Brains |
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