Director: Marius Penczner
Runtime: 105 min
Country: USA
Language: English
Color: Black and White
Sound Mix: Mono
Certification: UK: 12

Buy it now on amazon.com!

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s this: aliens are dicks! In first contact situations we should shoot aliens in the face double-time quick-like! Sure, you’re bound to frag an E.T. or two, but can we risk meeting up with something like a face hugger? I’m willing to off Kazoo, Alf, and Mork, to insure that my chest remains intact. Xenophobic? Probably, but Hollywood has assured me that you are far more likely to encounter a bunch of conniving, monument blowing-up, people hunting, jerks. Alien pricks… is there any better plot fodder to use in a b-movie? I think not. Neither does Marius Penczner. Without any further adieu, let’s get to the nitty-gritty guts of “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.”

Our heroes, Ace Evens and Rex Armstrong, have just caught the infamous Brazzo Brothers and are transporting them to jail via airplane. While in transit, aliens accidentally crash their saucer into the plane. Makes sense. If intelligent beings are able to transverse vast distances through space - navigating planetary systems, gravity wells, intergalactic debris, and the occasional comet - I could see how the logistics of dodging a twin-prop could prove tricky to them. Anyway, these ’strangers’ choose to capitalize on their misfortune and continue on with their diabolical schemes. They infiltrate a Uni-Cola™ bottling plant, where the very popular Health Cola™ is produced. Needing help to recover the ultra-secret Health Cola™ formula (that, of course, is on microfilm), the aliens spare, then enlist, the Brazzo Brothers. Will Ace and Rex be able to stop the ’strangers’ before they can complete their evil plans? (Imagine that last sentence, in a squiggly font, flying toward you from the computer screen. Maybe add in a bum-bum buuummmm instrumental)

Here is an example of a b-movie done right. First of all, it had a miniscule budget and definitely made the most out of it. The production crew was composed of college students from the University of Memphis who were promised course credit for their time and efforts (btb, you might be wondering what the kids learned during their time on set. In one interview, a grip explained that he had learned how to “procure” equipment for the film without anyone knowing). Not having to dish out Sacagawea to the production crew - or for equipment… apparently - left enough in the coffers for an exquisite stop motion fight scene reminiscent of Ray Harryhausen. Penczner was also able to add in a few keen mattes and some cheesy special effects (I think some of which were added by Flashframe Films for the 2005 release).

If you’re going to make a film set in the 1950’s, completely black and white, about diabolical aliens, then what is the perfect background music? Why, synthesized hip-hop loops, of course! I couldn’t stop chuckling the first time I watched the movie (and I have a feeling this, too, was added in after the 1982 release). It has a definite “what?!” factor that I thought was hilarious. It does, however, get annoying… and fast. After the third time I watched the movie, I seriously considered slamming my scrotum in a sliding glass door to get the damn tune out of my head!

This movie is classified as a comedy in the Internet Movie Database, but I hesitate to do so here. I’m not trying to say “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” takes itself seriously… far from it. Any movie that features a bullet-proof pocket protector, an alien yelling at a cat, and an ultra-secret formula for cola that consists of ingredients like: cocoa, peanut butter, soy sauce, and fizzalator extract, can hardly be considered a greek tragedy. I just feel that the film was intended to fit more in a sci-fi classification than that of a comedy.

Despite a few shortcomings (like occasional manic editing), this movie is definitely worth your time.

Additional item: the doctor character, Frank Kaufman - played by Alan Zellner, looks just like young George Lucas! I hope he milked that for all it was worth back in 1982!

(For some reason, as of this post, Alan Zellner - who, to my knowledge, hasn’t done anything since “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.” (1982) - has dropped 45% on the STARmeter from last week… I’m pullin’ for ya, Alan Zellner!)

ZNAMES: Zelt the Zbeast and ZomBall… need I say more.
STOP MOTION: Harryhausen-esk animation - Always a treat.
FIZZALATOR EXTRACT: Say it! Now, don’t you feel better?

One Response to “I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I.”

1. corporatedemon Says:
   April 7th, 2007 at 8:35 pm

   Great review man, I think you deserve official breviewer status now!

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