Director: Corbin Timbrook
Runtime: 80 mins (minus twenty for the uninspired opening and ending credits, yaaaaawn)
Language: English
Color: Color
Aspect Ratio: 4×3 (menu-16×9, go figure)
Certification: R

Buy it now on amazon.com!

A dvd menu of the cheapest quality imaginable. A poorly photoshoped image of a killer with dreadlocks. The play button is pressed. Fade to black… “But his mother said to him, ‘Your curse be on me, my son, only obey my voice and go, get them for me.’ - Genesis 27:13″ …needless to say, I was already in stitches. After more than 5 and a half minutes of credits, ToB pushes on to become an up & down thriller/slasher that is about as unique and original as a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette.

Let’s get into the plot of Tower of Blood. The story involves a masked maniac slaughtering young, dumb, bland, big-boobed teens with a machette… See what I mean? That’s not to say that it isn’t entertaining as hell. ToB has just enough interesting camerawork and hilariously childish dialouge, as well as enough pathetic, drawn out, non-payoff plot points and tension-building scenes that drag on longer than fossil fuels will, to keep this breviewer consistantly enlivened. This vigor was the result of factors such as; the reuse of a single hallway shot again and again, winning lines such as “concentrate, butt-rash!”, and even the constant overuse of the junky, clunky, rock/pop title song.

The gore aspect is almost entirely lacking. Not that ToB doesn’t contain several scenes involving bladed dismemberment, but those scenes may as well have been constructed with legos and ketchup. These lame attempts barely even achieve the level of “cinema gore”, as far as I’m concerned. Therefore, I deem them non-existant! *slams down spherical gavel and sparks fly*

There are a few boobies. They show up either when prompted, or at utterly non-sensical times (in other words, “boobs for boobs’ sake”). The action sequences consist of some jogging and a little choking. There are no visual effects to speak of. The dialogue quality is very high, but the soundtrack/effects can produce quite a few chuckles.

Tower of Blood honestly doesn’t contain enough “things” to result in much of a review. I will simply state that in a small gathering/party situation, it should turn out to be a hoot. Do not watch this flick on your own, or you’re guaranteed to be asleep at just under 7 minutes. And don’t you dare try operating heavy machinery for the following 14 years if you do fly solo.

By the way, certain versions of the poster/dvd cover advertise “30 floors. 500 Tenants. 0 survivors.” surrounded by bats, a giant skull, and lightening. Only one of these elements pertains to the actual film.

How do they get away with it…

ACTING: Good from everyone without fake knockers.
ALA JAWS: A funny, jingly noise associated with the killer.
RUB A DUB: Jack is caught doin the deed - laughter follows.

One Response to “Tower of Blood”

1. MBrown Says:
   May 3rd, 2007 at 3:32 pm

   hah! Don’t you just love it when the cover has NOTHING to do with the movie or is so misleading you wonder if you grabbed the correct movie?

   And YAY boobs for boobs’ sake! Up with boobs!

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